Mrs. Dubcek: I'll just get my little boy, and I'll be on my way.
Dick: So soon, Mrs. Dubcek? We've been living in this attic for almost a year, and we know very little about you. Sit down. Tell us everything about yourself. Leave nothing out.
Mrs. Dubcek: Why?
Dick: Please, everything. Travel?
Tommy: Marriages.
Harry: Medical history.
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, there's a doctor in Mexico that once said I had the exact DNA of a lemur.

Dick: What's the matter with you? It's as if this baby has made you go all soft. He's broken down your defenses.
Sally: I know. He's my wittle bunny wabbit.
Dick: God, what kind of talk is that? You're a weapons expert.
Sally: I'm still a warrior. It's just now I'm the protector, not the aggressor.
Dick: Oh, I've heard enough. I'm going to sleep.
Sally: Well, you can't. I've tucked him in your bed.
Dick: As High Commander, I order you to untuck him at once.
Sally: Dick, I'm not taking orders from you anymore. I'm taking orders from a higher commander. His rank: baby.
Dick: But wait! Where am I going to sleep?
Sally: Use his room.

Harry: Well, hello, strange baby.
Sally: Who's that?
Harry: I don't know. Some baby.
Sally: That's no baby. Babies are pink, and wrinkly, and wear blankets. Dick, you better come in here.
Dick: Who's this?
Harry: I don't know. Some baby.
Tommy: What does it want?
Dick: I'll find out. What do you want?!

Mrs. Dubcek: Hello. Has anybody seen my-- There's my little rug rat.
Dick: Mrs. Dubcek, you had a baby.
Mrs. Dubcek: He's my grandson. I'm babysitting him. My son and his wife are spending the week at Caesar's Palace.
Dick: Ah, Rome.
All: Mmm.

Mrs. Dubcek: Could I ask you folks to do me a favor? Could you watch the little guy while I run out to the doctor's?
Sally: No.
Dick: Yes, we'd be happy to.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, great, great. He's had his nap, and he's just been changed.
Sally: What was he before?
Dick: Mrs. Dubcek, why do you assume that Sally will be taking care of the baby?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, she's a woman.
Sally: Yet another perk.

Mrs. Dubcek: I'll go get his stuff. Now, he may be a little cranky. He's got teeth coming in.
Harry: Well, don't worry. We'll sign for them.

Tommy: [toddler cries] Turn it off!
Sally: I can't.
Tommy: Then turn it down.
Sally: What?! What do you want? Are you hungry? Tommy, entertain him till I get back.
Tommy: What? I don't know what- Whoa, whoa- Uh, all right, kid, I'll read you a story. Um "Dingo boy released from pound. Burt Reynolds up in arms." Look. It's a little dingo boy. See?

Dick: Nina's taking care of your fish?
Mary: Yes.
Dick: Mary, shouldn't I be doing that?
Mary: Uh... Uh... Nina already knows where I keep the food.
Dick: I see. She already knows. Uh-huh. It must make it a lot easier for you, then.
Nina: If you really want to do it...
Dick: Yes, I do! Mary, I want to take care of your fish desperately.
Mary: Really, Nina, thank you so much.
Nina: Just doing my job.
Dick: I have fish, you know.
Mary: Do you?
Dick: Mm-hmm. They're in my freezer.

Dick: Oh, Mary, this means so much to me.
Mary: Yeah. Okay, now, let's go over this one more time. The filter and the heater are automatic. Don't touch them.
Dick: Well, what if I need to touch them?
Mary: Why should you need to touch them?
Dick: Well, what if I want to touch them?
Mary: Just don't touch them. Okay. Now, here's something I like to do. If the fish have been good, I like to reward them with a little brine shrimp.
Dick: And if they're bad, I'll make them watch while I eat the brine shrimp.
Mary: Now, this might sound silly, but I'm very attached to these fish. Please don't kill them.
Dick: You love your fish, and I love you. That's why I'm going to love your fish.
Mary: Just feed them. Don't touch the filter!

Tommy: Mrs. Dubcek.
Sally: Shh!
Tommy: [whispers] She won't be back until tomorrow.
Dick: What?!
Tommy: She said she was still woozy from the medication, that she got on the wrong bus and woke up in a petting zoo in Cleveland.
Dick: Oh, that old excuse.