Harry: Dick? Oh, Dick, look, I got my driver's license.
Dick: According to this, you're a 55-year-old, 300lb Asian woman.
Harry: And an organ donor.

Dick: Wow! I thought the truth was potent, but it's nothing compared to this. This makes me feel powerless and susceptible, and ready to yield to your every- [gasps] I've got to find Dr. Albright. This is Wednesday. She calls it "over the hump day." I don't know what that means , but I know where she humps.

Dick: I discovered something today, and I really need to try it out.
Mary: Thorazine. I'll get you some water.
Dick: [laughs] You see, you know these things. You're so smart, and your your looks... Your looks are like a beer tap, a golden rush of drunken beauty with a nice head which spills all down your blouse, leaving you sweet and pungent.
Mary: That was pathetic.
Dick: Well, I'm sorry I'm not as good a liar as you are.

Mary: Okay, you win. What is it?
Dick: I've realized something. I can't lie to you. I wish I could. It's just not something that I'm good at, like... like actually, I'm good at everything. Can I tell you the truth?
Mary: Why not?
Dick: The real truth is, you're delightful. I love looking into your face. I don't know what it is about you this evening, maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes, maybe it's the wine, but you look puffy. You should go home and sleep. There. Is that better?
Mary: Sadly, yes.
Dick: May I walk you home? And be honest.
Mary: Okay.

Harry: You know, if someone had told me a year ago that I'd be driving a car and sucking the flesh off a dead bird, I'd have called 'em a liar.

Sally: Listen. It's that guy again.
Tommy: God, it's amazing. How does he sing like that?
Harry: Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I've changed my mind.

Mary: Good morning. Dr. Solomon, I was just thinking of you.
Dick: You were?
Mary: Yes. I have a meeting with the rules committee on Friday night, and I just can't make it.
Nina: It's too late to try and get out of it now, unless you can talk some idiot into replac- Oh.

Mary: You look wonderful. Is that a new jacket?
Dick: Oh, I'm entirely new.
Mary: Everyone on the rules committee wants to meet you.
Dick: Really?
Mary: Well, we all think of you as the resident genius. Oh, please, I need you to substitute for me.
Dick: You need me? I never dreamed that I would be the man you needed.
Mary: I need you desperately.
Nina: [clears throat] Let me know if it's going to get any deeper. I'm wearing open-toed shoes.

Dick: Did you get your license?
Sally: We were thrown out.
Harry: But on the bright side, we did outrun the police.

Dr. Byron: Gentlemen, we have a guest member of the rules committee with us tonight. Dr. Solomon, would you care to share with us some of Dr. Albright's feelings?
Dick: Oh, yes, of course. Well, first, on behalf of Dr. Albright, I would like to say welcome to this big waste of time. I'd say I've always wanted to put a face with those men whom she affectionately calls "The Night of the Teaching Deadd." And may I say you do not disappoint. I can tell at a glance that you indeed are a mindless and dull group. So, I would like to start with a fresh idea that you won't recognize when it bites you on the ass.
Dr. Byron: Excuse me, does Dr. Albright know you're speaking on her behalf?
Dick: Don't move! Stay where you are! [whacks Dr. Byron's forehead with a newspaper]
Dr. Byron: Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Freeze! He's still there! [whacks him again] Oh! You have a mole. A big, ugly mole.