Dick: I'm not prepared.
Mary: Oh, it's a dull, mindless group. It's "The Night of the Teaching Deadd."
Dick: Well, maybe I can shake things up with some fresh ideas.
Mary: Oh, no. No one there would recognize a fresh idea if it bit them on the ass. Just pass these out for me, please.
Dick: All right, I'll do it.
Mary: Oh, thanks. You've saved me.
Dick: Well, I am a manly man. [exits]
Nina: Well done.
Mary: Another five minutes, and he would have given me a kidney.

Sally: I can't believe how much we have to go through to get a license.
Harry: Yeah. Then why are we here?
Sally: Because I want one. If I have to be the woman, I'm not about to be stuck at home.
Harry: Mm-hmm. "Stay behind orange line." That's why nobody ever gets to the window.
Sally: Hey, let's pull up the slack here.
Harry: Oh! There must be some sort of flesh-melting force field at the orange line.
DMV Worker: Next!
Harry: [screams] Nooo! [chuckles] I'm sorry.

Dick: Tommy, have you been sitting in that same chair all day?
Tommy: Hmm, let me think about this one. Yeah.
Dick: You're supposed to be experiencing human adolescent behavior.
Tommy: Well, as an adolescent, everything annoys me, especially the sound of your voice right now.

Sally: What do people have to do on this planet to get what they want?
Dick: Today Dr. Albright wanted something from me. All she did was ask.
Sally: What did she say?
Dick: She said she needed my help and I looked wonderful and I'm a genius.
Sally: She said that?
Harry: About you?
Dick: Yes.
Sally: And you bought it?
Dick: Well, I am the High Commander.
Sally: Wait a minute. Something about this doesn't wash. She's doing something. [gasps] Now I remember, I read about this. She's distorting the truth.
Dick: Dr. Albright would never lie to me.
Sally: Oh, wake up and snort the coffee. Just because you don't lie doesn't mean people here don't.

Tommy: Commander, permission to speak freely?
Dick: Granted.
Tommy: As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it's my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks, in that order.
Dick: What is your problem?
Tommy: Something's wrong. My transfer's not holding. I'm growing hair, and my armpits smell, and there's a constant circus in my pants.
Dick: Aw, our old man is becoming a boy.
Tommy: No, I'm serious. The seal's broken, and I'm losing oil. Look at this. [removes baseball cap to reveal a large pimple]
Harry: Ooh! What is it?
Dick: It's a nipple.
Tommy: What am I going to do about it?
Dick: I don't know, but until we figure it out, you should sleep in the shower.

Mary: Dr. Byron told me about your little speech. Sorry I missed it.
Dick: Rest assured, I gave you full credit.
Mary: What the hell are you trying to do? Ruin me?
Dick: [stammers] Ah, whuh, wha, ock, baa...
Mary: It will take me weeks to repair the damage left in your wake.
Dick: [stammers] Ah, ock, uh, ka...
Mary: Weeks. All you had to do was show up and feign interest.
Dick: Feign? I will not be a party to feigning. I always tell the complete truth.
Mary: The truth? Then I will be brutally frank.
Dick: Good, I'll be genuine Dick.

Mary: I thought, foolishly, this would be a good opportunity for my colleagues to get to know you. No one wanted to meet you. I made that up.
Dick: So you lied?
Mary: I was bending the truth to flatter you. There's a difference.
Dick: Oh, I see. So when we met, you said you were pleased to meet me. Was that a lie or truth-bending?
Mary: Figure of speech.
Dick: And when you said you were impressed with my resume?
Mary: Light conversation.
Dick: When I moved in, you said you didn't mind sharing your office?
Mary: Diplomacy. Anything else?
Dick: Yes, is that really the color of your hair?
Mary: Absolutely!

Dick: Leon, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to tell me the complete truth.
Leon: This won't affect my grade?
Dick: Absolutely not. What do you think of me?
Leon: Uh... you make me really nervous. I don't know what's going on half the time, and when you walk around the room, I'm always afraid you're going to hit me in the back of the head.
Dick: Thank you. There, you see the truth. By the way, Leon, you're failing.
Leon: I thought you said it wouldn't affect my grade.
Dick: It didn't.

Mrs. Dubcek: Anybody home? Anyb-- Oh, hi. I brought you folks your extra key.
Tommy: Yeah, right. Good excuse. You just wanted to come up here and stare at pimple boy.
Mrs. Dubcek: You poor kid. I remember how it feels to be your age.
Tommy: Yeah, I remember how it feels to be your age.
Mrs. Dubcek: Listen, I'm going to go out and get some smokes. You want to take a ride?
Tommy: Yeah, whatever. You know, it's really not fair. I can grow a pimple but not a mustache. What's your secret?

DMV Agent: You failed the written exam. Come back in three weeks.
Sally: I can't come back. I can't.
DMV Agent: Sorry, those are the rules.
Sally: I need a license now. I'm the woman. I really need your help. You must be a genius. Your line is so big, but it moves so fast.
DMV Agent: Well, I do my best.
Sally: There's got to be some way you can help me. I mean, I know you have a heart in that big, hairy, wonderful chest of yours. I bet pretty girls beg you all the time, huh?
DMV Agent: Okay, you can take the test again.
Sally: Thank you. [to Harry] I could get very good at this.