Dick: Mary.
Mary: Don't talk to me. You lost the right to embarrass me in public when we stopped dating.
Dick: I forgive you, Mary.
Mary: You're forgiving me? For what?
Dick: For how you deceived me how you led me to believe you were unaffected by our breakup, when in fact, you were a hungry, frightened little ballerina careening out of control at 80 miles an hour.

Dick: Sally! Look at this! You shrunk my favorite pants!
Sally: No, I didn't.
Dick: Then give me one other logical explanation why they don't fit anymore.
Sally: I don't know. I mean, maybe--
Dick: Hush! Hush! [ice-cream truck music playing] Listen! Mr. Frosty Smooth! Oh, he's early today. Mr. Frosty Smooth! Mr. Frosty Smooth!

Mary: Okay, Dick. Get fat. I don't care.
Dick: Well, I don't care if you do care.
Mary: As if I cared that you didn't care that I cared.
Dick: [scoffs] It's not as if I cared that you do care if I care or not.
Mary: I couldn't care less if you care that I care! [exits]
Dick: Well, now, that was uncalled for!

Harry: Well, that looks pretty crappy.
Sally: I don't understand. I did everything I'm supposed to do. It's just not working.
Harry: Well, Martha Stewart says it helps if you talk to your plants.
Sally: Oh, yeah?
Harry: Mmm.
Sally: Hi. I'm Sally.

Dick: Sally, do I look fat?
Sally: You want the truth?
Dick: No.
Sally: You look great.
Dick: Oh, you don't mean that.
Sally: Okay.
Dick: Well, thanks a lot!

Sally: [to her plant] Hey, you thirsty? Oh, I know you. You wouldn't say anything if you were. [pours Diet Coke into the pot] That's what I like about you, you know. You're not rude or demanding like most people I know.
Tommy: You must be bored out of your mind.
Sally: No. Not at all.
Tommy: I was talking to the plant.

Sally: Come on, Jeremy.
Dick: You named it Jeremy?
Sally: I was gonna call him lycopersicon esculentum, but it sounded kinda snotty.

Don: Come on, Harry.
Harry: I see. So suddenly it's a crime for a grown man to hang around the high school taking pictures of the young girls.

Harry: Well, thanks for the ride, Don.
Don: Hold it there, Harry. I can only release you into the custody of a family member.
Dick: Well, I'm right here.
Don: Not you. Where's Sally?
Dick: She's in the other room.
Don: Is she alone?
Dick: Well, she's with Jeremy.
Don: Jeremy.
Dick: Well, it's like she's obsessed.
Don: [sits down and eats] You got any more hot sauce?
Harry: Can I have a rib?
Dick & Don: No!

Nina: Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Not now. I'm working.
Nina: Oh, my god! What is all this stuff?
Dick: It's not mine! Oh! It's those damned raccoons! They have little hands, you know.