August: Okay. Um my family came to America in 1852 on a Dutch schooner. How about yours?
Tommy: Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh... escaped from the Nazis through the Alps with his family and their singing nanny.
August: Um, Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah?
August: That's The Sound of Music.
Tommy: Yeah, I know. And don't think that we're not suing!

Tommy: Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now.
Harry: Ooh, I want that one!
Tommy: And 10% of us should be gay.
Harry: That's not why we got divorced.

Dick: Oh, so suddenly I'm weird.
Mary: Not so suddenly, Dick. I said it today, I said it yesterday, I say it every day.
Dick: Oh, I thought that was just a running joke we had. I'd do something, then after the fire trucks left, you'd let me have it. Ha ha. All in good fun.
Mary: Dick, you and your family... I know you mean well, but sometimes it's like being around the Addams family.
Dick: Well, I will admit that John Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time.
Mary: That's not who I meant.
Dick: John Quincy Adams?! You're comparing me to that freak show?!

Harry: Hey. Don't throw that away.
August: Oh. Why, do you recycle?
Harry: No. I'm trying to get into the Guinness book of world records for the world's biggest can collection.
August: How many do you have?
Harry: So far? Just the one.

Sally: Hey, guys. What's going on?
Dick: Sally, uh... I've, uh... I've made a command decision. We're moving back.
Sally: Oh. Is that what we're doing? We're not happy, so we're just going to break our lease and move?
Harry: Yeah.
Dick: More or less.
Sally: No, Dick, we can't do that. You see, I'm in the majority now. There are more of us than there are of you, and that makes us right. I'm a member of a community, a community that embraces wholesome American values. And if you cross us... we will destroy you. [all gasp] Now, if you'll excuse me I spotted a mezuzah on 2C.

Sally: Ah, look! It says the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.
Tommy: Orally?
Harry: It says that the average American commute is 22 minutes.
Dick: Oh, no. I'm only 5 minutes from work.
Sally: Tomorrow take the riding mower.

Tommy: You know, it is amazing the advances the Swedes have made in the science of furniture, especially considering they have only one known tool. [holds up Allen key]

Dick: We're not fitting in. Apparently, being human involves more than just two arms, two legs and the occasional major orifice.

Sally: You guys, look what I got! America's number one pain reliever, America's leading chunky peanut butter, and America's favorite mustard for over 50 years.
Harry: Hey, this bread is recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists for their patients who chew bread.

Mary: So, how'd you like the movie?
Dick: It's the number one movie in America.
Mary: But did you like it?
Dick: It's America's favorite movie, and that's good enough for me.
Mary: I guess it was okay.
Dick: Two thumbs up. Way up.
Mary: [laughs] I'm having a nice time.
Dick: You are? That's true. You've neither screamed nor cried all evening. This is cause for a celebration. Waiter? A bottle of your most average champagne.