Dick: Look out, he's got a knife!
All: Oh!
Dick: Eddie, think about this. Put down the knife. You don't want to do this.
Eddie: I don't want to cut the chicken?
Dick: Not before we've said grace. Who's going to say grace? Tommy, how about you? Hmm?
Harry: Grace.
Dick: Say it.
Harry: Thank you for this second dinner. Sure to be an excruciating and uncomfortable-
Dick: Amen. Thank you, Tommy.

Harry: Hey. Who stole my spoon? [all look at Eddie] Oh, no, no, no. I forgot. It's in my pocket.

Dick: So, um, how was your day, Sally?
Sally: What's it to you?
Dick: As a concerned and loving family member, I'm naturally interested in how your day went.
Sally: What's it to you?

Harry: So, those women were pretty little, weren't they? What are your thoughts?
Mrs. DeGuzman: When Jo went to the city, my heart went with her. Her dreams were so pure.
Larry: Yeah, purely selfish. She runs off to the city, leaves her sister out in the sticks while she partied.
Harry: Yeah, well, I read it differently, but please continue.
Mrs. DeGuzman: Don't let him continue. He's stupid.
Larry: Literature is open to interpretation.

Police Officer: Okay, let me get this straight. You bailed the guy out of jail, you brought him into your home, gave him the keys to your house, to your car, and now you're surprised he's stolen it.
Dick: Oh, sure, hindsight is 20-20.
Tommy: Uh, we would have warned you, Dick, but, you know, we did!
Dick: I know you did. I was blinded by the fervor of my faith in mankind. Damn my lack of cynicism!

Don: Here's your man, Dick.
Dick: Oh, Don, thank god!
Don: Yeah, he thought he could get away with it, but I hunted him down like a dog.
Eddie: You bumped into me at the grocery store.
Don: That's hearsay.
Dick: Oh, I'm disappointed, Eddie. You stole my car, and you broke my heart. But do you know what's the worst thing of all?
Eddie: What?
Dick: You stole my car!

Don: Come on. We're going to jail.
Dick: Uh, not so fast. Eddie, I hope you've learned a valuable lesson. I know I have. I gave you my trust. I gave you every benefit of the doubt. And how did you repay me? By taking advantage of my trusting nature and betraying me. [Sally pulls up in the Rambler] I hope you feel really, really, really, bad.
Sally: Hey, what's up?
Dick: Oh, Eddie stole the car.
Sally: Which one?
Dick: That car.

Dick: Eddie, please, you can't leave! A man makes one mistake, and you hold it against him for life?
Eddie: Works for you.
Dick: This is no time for irony.

Mrs. Dubcek: Dogs! Dogs! Dogs! Dogs! Am I the only one around here who understands the phrase "no dogs"?
Mary: Well, I just have to find Sally. I went to the pound to see Pepper, but he's gone!
Mrs. Dubcek: Where did these two come from?
Mary: Well, they were just sitting in a cold, hard cell with no chewies.

Larry: Like you know anything about New England in the 19th century!
Harry: Hey, could you keep it down? I'm trying to finish my report over here.
Mrs. DeGuzman: You shut up, you cheater.
Tommy: All right. All right. How many words do you got?
Harry: 498. I need two more words.
Tommy: Okay, uh... the end.
Harry: Genius!
Mrs. DeGuzman: Cheater!