Harry: Well, I hope you're enjoying your movie, Tommy.
Tommy: Hey, it is not my fault that they didn't have Little Women, all right? But look, I got The Fly.
Harry: Well, how wonderful for you. Meanwhile, I still haven't even finished-- Hey, that guy's half fly.

Sally: Hey, any calls for Pepper yet?
Mary: No.
Sally: Well, I put flyers up on every bulletin board on campus.
Mary: How did you describe him?
Sally: Uh, big, yellow, and free. [telephone rings] Yes! Okay, remember, lie your butt off.
Mary: I am not going to lie. [answers phone] Hello. Yes. Well, uh, his name is Pepper. He's a yellow lab. He's very affectionate. Loves people. Ah. Well, fair question. Um, I'll be perfectly honest with you. I'm dying.

Dick: Oh, this is such a proud moment for me, Eddie. I've plucked you from your wretched life of recidivism, given you guidance and succor, and made you appreciate one of life's most precious gifts. Freedom! [shuts the A.V. cage door]

Dick: [strikes triangle] Dinnertime. [bangs pot] Dinnertime!
Sally: You were serious?
Dick: Yes. Now chop chop. Dinner's getting cold.
Harry: Boy, since when do we eat together?
Dick: We're going to sit down and share our evening meal to show Eddie an example of a loving family.
Tommy: Uh, I already ate. Sorry.
Dick: You're going to sit down and eat again if I have to shove the food down your throat. Now get in there!

Dick: Harry, it's gone! It's gone!
Harry: Whoa! What's gone?
Dick: The Rambler. It's gone. And so is Eddie!
Harry: Oh! Someone stole the Rambler and Eddie!
Dick: No, you idiot. Eddie stole the Rambler.
Harry: Oh. Thank God.

Dick: Well, all in all, I think things worked out pretty well.
Don: Oh, I agree.
Dick: We prepared Eddie nicely for his return to society.
Don: Well, we proved he didn't steal the car. He's got to feel good about that.
Dick: We have nothing to be ashamed about. What say we never speak of this incident every again?
Don: Agreed. Of course, unless we're subpoenaed.
Dick: Oh!
Don: In which case, we'll just lie.

Don: Well, Dick, this is it. The tank.
Dick: Oh. Oh, look at them, their deep-set eyes darting with evil brilliance. What'd they do, Don?
Don: Well, that one's a loiterer, and that guy was screaming at a fire hydrant.
Dick: You, fresh meat, what are you in for?
Inmate: Up yours.
Don: Don't rile 'em up. They're bad news.

Sally: What's going on?
Dick: Oh, Sally, I'd like you to meet Eddie, my plain old regular friend Eddie. [quietly] He's been in prison.
Sally: Okay, bend over.
Dick: Sally, Sally, he's a friend. He's a guest. You will treat him with respect. [quietly] Did you find anything?
Sally: He's clean.
Dick: Yeah. I knew he would be.

Harry: He means to kill us.
Dick: Oh, hush. How dare you?! This man is a human being, and right now he's giving me something to do.
Tommy: Dick, isn't this a major security breach?
Dick: Oh, nonsense. It's a magnificent experiment. I intend to prove that a nurturing family and a solid role model can turn a man's life around.
Sally: And who would that role model be?
Dick: You're lookin' at him, sass mouth.

Mrs. Dubcek: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Your lease says absolutely, positively no dogs.
Tommy: Why, are you allergic?
Mrs. Dubcek: No. Well, I just get nervous. You know how dogs like to dig?
Tommy: Yeah.
Mrs. Dubcek: I got 6 cats buried in the backyard.
Harry: Oh. You better make that 5.