Dick: That a boy, Donnie!
Don: Partners!
Dick: Vacation buddies!
Salesman: Hey, don't forget your free TV.
Don: Huh?
Dick: Oh... he was talking to me.

Sally: Swanky!
Don: I want to see everything! Oh, this must be the living area.
Sally: Oh, look, Donnie. The dining area.
Don: And the bedroom area.
Dick: Guys, I found another area.
Sally: Wow. So we can run away to this place whenever we want during red-marked weeks on only 90 days' notice.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there'll be a lot of these Tuesday through mid-day Thursday getaways.

Harry: Hello, Miss Dubcek. Tommy. How's the weather down there, half-pint?
Tommy: Why don't you take off the stilts, Harry?
Harry: Well, if you think it'll make a difference, pee-wee. Oh. [Tommy knocks Harry's hat off] That was mighty bold, Shorty.
Tommy: Why don't you just admit that I'm taller than you, man?
Harry: Yeah, right. You grew, yet your clothes still fit. Or did they grow, too?
Tommy: Fine, I didn't grow. Maybe you just shrunk.
Harry: Damn right. What?

Harry: Oh, my God. Just minutes ago, these pants hit the top of my shoes, and now they touch the floor. I am shrinking!

Mary: Dick? There's something crawling up my back.
Dick: No, that's me, Mary. I'm just being frisky.
Mary: I can see your hands. It's a bug. Oh, stop making excuses for this dump.
Dick: I know, I know. I made a terrible mistake. I thought that owning my own place would feel wonderful. Instead, it's just itchy.

Dick: Isn't this great, Don? Splitting wood outside our own time-share.
Don: Yeah.
Dick: Good, wholesome outdoor exercise.
Don: Yeah.
Dick: I could do this for hours. I don't even care that we don't have a fireplace.
Don: Me neither.

Don: Yeah, well, my only chance is to sell it. Look at these blisters. I'm not cut out for this life. Not that I don't love it.
Dick: If you love it, then buy me out for $4,500.
Don: Or you could give me $4,000 for my half.
Dick: $3,700 for my half but that's as low as I go.
Don: I'll take $3,000 and throw in the flystrip.
Dick: Oh, come on, Don. Just buy it! For God's sake, you only have to live there one week a year!
Don: You buy it! You got me into this. [both pick up axes]
Dick:
So this is what it comes down to, eh, Orville? I should warn you, I'm pretty handy with an axe.
Don: I saw you choppin'. You're not.
Dick: [grunts] Okay, this is my final offer. Give me $2,900 and I'll let you take one swipe at me with the axe.

Mary: Dick, did you work it out?
Dick: Yes, I did, Mary. I sold my half of the time-share to Don.
Mary: Oh, that's a relief.
Don: And I sold my half to Dick.
Sally: Oh, geez Louise.
Mary: You mean we're gonna be stuck in this dump forever?
Dick: Oh, I don't understand. It's as if that salesman exaggerated how desirable this place is. Now, look, I know that's a harsh accusation.

Don: It's the classic bait-and-switch, Dick. In my line of work, I've seen it a thousand times.
Sally: Well then, why didn't you say something?
Don: Well, actually, I've only seen it twice.
Dick: Well, get ready, Don. Because you're about to see it again. But this time, we won't be the suckers.
Don: Good. Maybe we should have a hand sign, just in case.

Harry: You look like you could use another foot.
Man: Hey.
Harry: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just it's hard to tell when you're sitting down.
Tommy: [to another man] So, he used to be bigger than me, and then my aunt realized that I'm the bigger one now. He can't stand it. He makes me measure him, like, five times a day. When he wakes up, after his shower, after his "stretching exercises". [the man runs out] These guys are weird.