Harry: You wrote a whole book?
Dick: Only the most brilliant book on physics ever written. The formulas in there are 400 years ahead of this planet's most advanced modern thinking.
Harry: Whoa, Dick, you're gonna be famous.
Dick: Why, yes, I am, thank you very much.
Harry: Cold fusion? Perpetual motion? Humans are gonna be blown away by all that.
Dick: This'll wipe the smugliness off Strudwick's furry, ratlike little face.

Tommy: So, uh... I really like Alissa a lot.
Strudwick: She's a lovely girl.
Tommy: Yeah. You and me, we're lucky guys, huh? We got ourselves a couple of hotties, huh?
Strudwick: Excuse me?
Tommy: Listen, man. Between you and me, has Alissa mentioned anything about my kissing?
Strudwick: What?
Tommy: The thing is, we're makin' out, like, a lot, right? But she's a little more experienced than I am, which is why any feedback she gave you'd be really appreciated.
Strudwick: I- I think maybe we should change the subject.
Tommy: Oh, okay.
Strudwick: So, what does your father do?
Tommy: Uh, he's a professor. At Pendelton. Um, Dick Solomon? [Strudwick smashes the glass in his hand]

Dick: No Strudwick is gonna date my son!
Strudwick: Your son is an ill-mannered, obnoxious boor!
Dick: You take that back!
Strudwick: All right. He's rude! He's smug! He kissed my daughter right in front of me!
Dick: Wait a minute. Vincent.
Strudwick: What?
Dick: This is really bothering you, isn't it?
Strudwick: Damn right it is. I suggest that you teach your son some manners.
[Dick laughs as Strudwick walks to the door]
Strudwick: What's so damn funny?
Dick: Nothing. Nothing. [laughs]

Alissa: I'm nothing like cousin Jeff.
Dick: His words, not mine.
Tommy: Well, why would he say that?
Alissa: Oh, my dad can be such a jerk sometimes.
Dick: Oh, don't tell me. I think the two of you are fabulous together. But you know, I guess I've always been able to see you for the intelligent, independent young woman that you are.
Alissa: Thank you!
Tommy: Wait a minute, now-
Dick: But if your father can't see that, then I think you have no choice but just to go straight home and be furious with him.
Alissa: Oh, I'm on my way. Oh!
Tommy: Dick are you sure-
Dick: I've already said too much!

Sally: Want some coffee?
Harry: I'd love some coffee.
Sally: Oh, great. There's nothin' better than three friends sittin' around, havin' some joe!
Don: I'll get the cup, and you pour.
Sally: Okay, great. So, Harry, what'd you do today?
[Sally and Don start kissing behind Harry's bad]
Harry: Oh, well, my day started sort of early. You know that thing where, um, if you say "rabbit," you'll have good luck all day? I was gonna do that first thing in the mornin'.
[Harry looks back and sees Don top of Sally as they make out on the floor]
Harry: And then there was lunch...

Dick: Morning, Vincent. How's it goin'?
Strudwick: Did you talk to your boy last night?
Dick: Yes. We talked, we laughed, we shared. Then there were the, uh, hugs, as usual. How'd it go with Alissa?
Strudwick: She came home, slammed the door in my face, and locked herself in her room.
Dick: Ooh. Ouch. Did she, by any chance, say that, uh, she hates you?
Strudwick: How'd you know that?
Dick: Call it fatherly intuition.
Strudwick: She said... She said... Oh, never mind.
Dick: Go on, Vincent. You can tell me.
Strudwick: She said, "why couldn't I be more like like you"?
Dick: Well, I can understand that. Some of us devote our time to our families, others opt instead to write books. I'm sure you made the right choice. Not for your daughter, of course, but for you.
Strudwick: This is awful!
Dick: No, don't worry. As the decades slip by, these wounds will scab over and harden into bitter scars. And you'll get together then, Vince. I know you'll have a good time then. [Dick dances after Strudwick leaves]

Hamilton Bell: And finally, physics professor and raconteur and master of close-up magic, Dick Solomon. [Dick removes a bouquet of flowers from his jacket] Tell me, Dr. Strudwick. Did you have any idea when you set out to write your book that it would get this kind of reception?
Strudwick: Honestly? Yes.
Dick: Well, it- It is, a, uh, tremendous work, but it has come at quite a cost, hasn't it, Vincent?
Strudwick: What?
Dick: I think you know what I mean.
Hamilton Bell: Well, I'm sure we all have questions for you, Dr. Strudwick, so why don't we begin-
Dick: Yes, I have one.
Hamilton Bell: Okay, then. Dr Solomon.
Dick: Yes. I was discussing the book last night with my son Tommy. Hi, Tommy. Love you. And, uh, it made me wonder. You seem to have a reasonable grasp of spectral analysis, and yet you have no idea where your teenage daughter was last night at midnight - my house, where kids are allowed to flourish. [applause]
Strudwick: Why don't you shut your mouth, Solomon?!
Dick: Why don't you make me?

Dick: I just don't understand it. All I did was assuage my professional jealousy by attacking Strudwick on a deeply personal level, using his daughter and my son as unwitting pawns. Yet... somehow I come off looking like the bad guy.
Tommy: What are you talking about? You jeopardized my relationship for your own petty goals.
Dick: Tommy, sometimes you have to take one for the team.

Tommy: Well... pretty good afternoon for me. A little, uh... a little homework, a little music. A little makin' out. Oh, wait! Did I say "a little"? I meant a lot!
Harry: Tommy! [they high-five] Aah!
Tommy: It was incredible, man. We were just sitting there next to each other, and all of a sudden, we looked at each other, and somethin' came over us.
Harry: And then you kissed her didn't you?
Tommy: No, no, no. Not yet, right? We- Wwe, uh, we inched closer and closer together. Right? And- And- And my lips were there, and ohh! Her lips were there...
Sally: [aggressively whittles] That sounds real nice, Tommy.
Harry: And then you kissed her, didn't you?
Tommy: Well, no. Then I blacked out. But when I woke up, man, we were kissin'! And we just kissed and kissed...
Sally: Aah! Sorry. I think I need a new twig!

Sally: Hey, Don. How's it goin'?
Don: Oh, not good. Your brother just stuck me with a movie ticket.
Sally: Oh, yeah? What movie you seein'?
Don: I don't remember the name of it, but it's the one where Jackie Chan kills two guys with a baguette.
Sally: Oh, I hear that one's awesome.