Tommy: $9,500?
Sally: Oh, my God! You guys, what are we gonna do?
Tommy: I mean, look at all these receipts from all these meals. If we'd only talked about business during some of them, we could write off all this money as deductions.
Dick: Who says we didn't talk about business?
Tommy: Yes. 'Cause that's the only reason we ever go out to eat, anyway, right, is to talk about... business.
Sally: Business.
Harry: Okay, I must tune out, because I never hear us talking about business.

Sally: Okay, Nellie, what we're gonna do is we're just gonna give you a little bangs to cover up these tiny little worry lines. Then we're gonna eventually graduate the sides in like that. How's that sound to ya?
Nellie: I don't know.
Tommy: Oh, trust us, darling. We're just trying to give you a little shape. I mean, you have a lovely neck here and no one can see it.
Sally: Okay, let's get you washed. Mr. Harry!
Harry: Okay, hold on, doll. I only got two hands.

Dick: Now, we've all got to have detailed explanations for the last 6 years: where we've been, what we've done, and the documentation to prove it.
Tommy: Oh, I did that, like 3 years ago.
Dick: You did?
Tommy: Yeah. Complete and airtight. I gave them to you guys. What'd you do with them? [all making excuses at once]
Sally: I'm sorry.
Tommy: That's just great. You know, sometimes I don't even know why I bother!

Dick: You're just gonna have to go and do it again. We need foolproof backgrounds by tomorrow. Now get cracking! Oh, and, Sally? Bump your 4:00. I'm not gonna battle faceless and hostile government forces with this unsightly fuzz on my neck.

Mr. Gindek: Now, Mr. Solomon, there are some irregularities here on your tax return. I must say, I was surprised by some of these numbers.
Dick: Well, then, let's go over them, Mr. Gindek. I've got nothing to hide.
Harry: Me neither.
Sally: Nor I.
Tommy: We're ready to talk.
Sally: Yeah.
Mr. Gindek: Yes. Now, here on schedule E.
Dick: Schedule E. Yeah, I remember the first time I saw schedule E. It was around 1992. Do you remember that?
Harry: Oh, yeah.
Sally: Oh, incredible.
Tommy: What a day.
Dick: I was, uh, right here on Earth, as carbon based as the next guy.

Mr. Gindek: You claim a $16,000-
Dick: Oh, gosh! You guys remember March 20, 1994?
Harry: Oh, like it was yesterday.
Sally: Remember that steakhouse we went to?
Dick: Oh, yes. I had the porterhouse- No, no, no, I had the flank.
Tommy: No, Dick. I had the flank.
Dick: Are you sure? 'Cause I'm almost positive I had the flank.
Tommy: No, 'cause I always get the flank. [both arguing]
Sally: Maybe you both had the flank!
Dick: Yes, there's no law against two people having the flank.
Tommy: There's certainly nothing alien about it. [all laugh]

Dick: Well, we still have a lot to learn. Could you imagine a real human being afraid of a tax audit? [Sally laughs] I know. Although I do feel a little more human now that we've been reamed by the I.R.S.
Harry: I think "reamed" is an understatement.
Tommy: Yeah. We're paying taxes for years we weren't even on the planet.
Sally: Yeah, well, luckily, my business is booming. Hey, Mr. Harry, how many appointments for tomorrow?
Harry: Well, let's see. Uh... none.
Sally: What?!
Tommy: In all fairness, Sally, you have terrible haircuts.
Sally: Oh, right, I forgot. Hey, by the way, did you guys see Dubcek's face when she came out of the dryer?

Dick: "Enter itemized deductions from page 3, schedule C, line 2, to the extent they are allowable on schedule A, form 1040-NR."
Sally: "Enter the larger of your itemized deductions from line 28 or standard deduction shown on the left." My left or its left?
Tommy: "See page 30 to find your standard deduction if you checked any box on line 35-A or 35-B or if someone can claim you as a dependent."

Sally: Well here is our home business. Thanks, Dubie.
Tommy: What, we're selling chairs?
Sally: No, hon. It's a salon chair. We put up a sign, take a few pictures. Anybody asks, it was a failed home business. Deduction city.
Mrs. Dubcek: You know, there's a funny story about how I got that chair.
Sally & Tommy: Heard it!

Mrs. Dubcek: You know, I once had a millionaire-
All: Heard it!