Mary: Tell me what happened.
Sally: I went over there to fix things, and instead I ruined everything. And the worst part is, I'm still a virgin.
Mary: Oh, my God. You're a virgin?
Sally: Yes, I know. It's horrible.
Mary: No, no, no, no, it's wonderful.
Sally: It is?
Mary: Oh, yes. It's perfectly all right to save yourself for the right man.
Sally: Like you did for Dick?
Mary: ... Yes.

Dick: You know what this coffee reminds me of?
Tommy: That little cafe in Amsterdam?
Dick: No, that I used the coffee pot to drain the freon out of the air conditioner.
All: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, she's right. Tommy, adults have far more complicated problems. Although, come to think of it, Dr. Albright and I are adults, and we have none. I have struck gold with her, grabbed the prize, hit the jackpot. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You're a winner.
Sally: You didn't win. You lucked out.
Dick: Love doesn't just drop into your lap. You've got to force it there.
Sally: I don't know, Dick. I'm beginning to wonder if I've got what it takes.
Dick: Oh, of course you've got what it takes. You're a warrior, and this is the battle of the sexes. You can win it!

Dick: Are you going to give up?
Sally: He's just not happy with me anymore, Dick.
Dick: You think you can just walk out of here and find another man? I mean, really, just look at yourself.
Sally: What?
Dick: Oh, those comically long legs, that blindingly shiny hair, those unruly breasts.
Sally: All right! I get the picture!
Dick: Sally, he seems like a nice guy. Maybe he'll do it out of pity.

Tommy: August, are you okay?
August: I'll be all right. Fortunately, the hamster didn't have rabies.
Tommy: Uh. The hamster?
August: The hamster that bit my nose off. Yes, that's right, Tommy, my nose is gone. So, I suppose you want your ring back.
Tommy: Uh... well, no. Uh... can't they, like, stick it back on somehow?
August: And that would be the only way you'd continue to see me? With my nose back, that is?
Tommy: No, I didn't say that. Uh... uh... I guess we'll just work through this whole nose thing together. [August goes to rip her Band-aid off] No!
August: Surprise! I never should have doubted you, Tommy. [they hug]

Mary: God, I love grilled cheese.
Dick: Yeah.
Mary: I could eat it every day.
Dick: Day after day after day after day.
Mary: Mmm! Hey, do you have any sliced tomatoes?
Dick: Yes! Yes, we do!