Mr. Randell: Sally, do you want to go back to my apartment?
Sally: Oh, I know what's going to happen there, uh-huh. We'll continue to kiss and touch and kiss and touch just like the movies, and all of a sudden the scene ends, and we're in the park eating hot dogs and laughing.

Harry: Good-bye, basket of kittens. I can only pray that next month's photo will bring us a fraction of the joy and whimsy that you did. Thank you, Bank of Rutherford.
Sally: What? That's a monkey playing golf.
Harry: I know, but he's putting with a driver.

Dick: You know, you never see yourself clearly until you see yourself through your lover's eyes. I am red freakin' hot!

August: What if my sight went next? I'm bald, with no eyebrows, and I can't see. Would you still go out with me?
Harry: I'd stand by you. Of course, you wouldn't know it.
Tommy: Harry, why don't you go out and find your own girlfriend?
Harry: Oh, well, with my schedule, where would I find the time?
August: Oh, my God. I have got the most brilliant idea. You should contact a video dating service.
Harry: You think?
Tommy: Yes! August, that's genius. In fact, I bet they're open right now.
Harry: Yes. Yes, yes. There is a woman out there with my name on her. I will find her, and nothing's gonna to stop me, unless I get distracted by something shiny. [looks at watch]

Mary: [answers phone] Hello.
Dick: Heh-woh. This is Mr. Poopie Bear. Is this my wittle bunny face doll?
Mary: [giggles] Hi, Mr. Poopie Bear. Is wou happy?
Dick: I'd be happier if I was in a big snuggle buggle with wou. [Mary makes kissing noises] Snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle, snuggle.
[Mary hangs up when Nina and Sally walk into the room]
Dick: Heh-woh? Heh-woh! Oh, heh-woh. [hangs up]

Sally: I tried to change for him, and he still got mad at me. I thought I'd done everything right.
Dick: I'm sure you did.
Sally: What do you think he needs from me?
Dick: Sally, sit down. Honey, I'm a man, and here's something that I've learned. How can I put this? Men are completely incapable of talking about relationships. Here's two women. Dump on them. [runs out]

Sally: What does this remind you of?
Tommy: That time in Vienna.
Sally: Mmm. That waiter, those long walks.
Tommy: And this coffee.
Sally: Yeah.
Dick: What's going on?
Tommy: Sally's tense. I'm taking her away with flavored coffee.
Sally: Who am I kidding? I've never even been to Vienna!
Dick: Well, this is amaretto. A broken heart demands mocha mint!
Tommy: I'm sorry.

Sally: My relationship with Mr. Randell is broken. No matter what I say to him, I can't fix it.
Dick: Stop saying, and start doing. You've got to have more sex.
Sally: More? I've never had any, ever.
Dick: Ever? Well there's the black fly in your chardonnay. You've got to start. Sex fixes everything. It's the neosporin of Amore.

Dick: I know the thought of giving yourself to someone is at once frightening and exciting, but embrace it. Let go of yourself. I mean, Dr. Albright dove right in, and it was her first time.
Tommy: [laughs] Um... [clears throat] coffee, anyone?

Alan: [on video] What do you look for in the opposite sex, Harry?
Harry: [on video] Big bosoms and teeth.
Dick: Harry, you're so natural and so sincere, not to mention your features are positively chiseled.
Tommy: Yeah. You know, I had no idea that you prefer one large meal a day, or that your favorite color is clear.
Dick: Clear.
Tommy: Yeah.