Adult Dean: Growing up in the '60s, I was surrounded by images of the ideal middle-class, suburban life, and I wanted nothing more than to have my own big, fat slice of that American pie. Can you blame me? Those smiling White people made happiness and prosperity look so damn appealing. It only seemed fair... if other families got to have these cool, middle-class experiences, who said mine couldn't, too?
Dean: Hey, Dad. Can we go to the beach?
Bill: Sharks.
Adult Dean: My dad. That's who.
[montage:]
Dean: Hey, Dad, can we rent a cabin in the woods?
Bill: Bears.
Dean: Hey, Dad, can we get a dog?
Bill: Fleas.

Dean: Hey, Dad. Can I join my friend Brad's Dixie Scout troop?
Bill: The Dixie Scouts? So you want to join the White troop? Or as I call them, the junior Klan.
Dean: No, but, Dad, it's not like that. Brad's father is the Scoutmaster.
Bill: I'm sorry, did you say Scoutmaster? The man in charge is called "master"? Listen to yourself, son.
Dean: But, Dad, all my other friends are doing it.
Bill: Yeah, your White friends. I'm not letting you join in with those East Montgomery boys.

Lillian: Well, what's the harm in it, Bill?
Bill: Well, for starters, I don't like how the white Scouts stole all their rituals from African tribal rites of passage.
Adult Dean: My dad was of the opinion that if there was something of value in American culture, it was definitely stolen from Black people.
[flashback to Bill watching Ed Sullivan Show on TV :]
Bill: Elvis Presley? Ha! Everything he does, Big Mama Thornton did first... except better.
[flashback to Bill holding a drink:]
Bill: Coca-Cola? [scoffs] Please. They'd be nowhere if Africans hadn't domesticated the kola nut.
[flashback to Bill hanging decorations on a Christmas tree:]
Bill: [chuckles] Santa Claus? You know the real Saint Nicholas was a black Moor.
[present:]
Lillian: Are you sure about that, Bill? I thought the Scouts got their rituals from the Native Americans.
Bill: And where do you think they got it from?

Bill: Keep stacking that wood, son. How's that leak coming?
Hampton: Just need to put in the washer, Mr. Williams.
Bill: Excellent. You're one step closer to getting that Plumbing badge.
Norman: I finished trimming the bushes.
Bill: Good work, Norman. Now clear the weeds out of that flower bed and you'll have yourself a Gardening badge.

Lillian: Bill, why is there a young man painting our front door?
Bill: He's working hard to earn his Home Repairs merit badge.
Lillian: You sure he's not just checking items off your Chore Chart?
Kim: Ooh, is there a Laundry badge? 'Cause I don't feel like doing my chores, either.
Bill: Lillian, merit badges... "Encourage boys to try out new activities that may result in new skills."
Lillian: I'm sure that is not what these little boys signed up for.
Norman: Yeah, Dean said we'd go out camping and canoeing, not digging up other folks' weeds.
Bill: Whoa. [chuckling] Whoa, whoa. Looks like somebody doesn't want his Good Citizen badge.

Coach Long: Hey, Bill. Come to get Cory. How's it going?
Bill: Ah, you know. Just over here, men being men.
Coach Long: All right, now. [both laugh]
Cory: What's up, Dad? Hey, Mr. Williams, I'm almost done baking those cookies. Now, I remembered not to use walnuts, 'cause you said it makes your tummy hurt, right?
Bill: You know what, Cory? I'm just gonna go ahead and give you that Cooking badge. And First Aid, too. You could have just saved my life. Congratulations, son.
Cory: Thank you.

Adult Dean: This tent had all the bells and whistles... literally, it had a bell. Not sure why. Maybe to scare away bears. Anyway, it was amazing, and I couldn't wait to put it up. [metal clatters]
Dean: I think we put A-23 where C-27 should go, and where's B-26?
Bill: Be cool. It's just letters and numbers. We'll figure it out.
Coach Long: Y'all still working on that, huh? Now, don't you worry, Bill. If it rains, you can put that pretty box over your head. [chuckles]
Bill: Yeah, well... if you hear a bear in the middle of the night, don't come running to ring my bell. [no sound] It's at a frequency only bears can hear.
Coach Long: Yeah, bears don't work like that.

Cory: Hey, Dean. You won't believe it, man. We were chopping down trees, right?
Hampton: And a copperhead came up from under the log!
Norman: Then Mr. Long cut it in half with the hatchet!
Cory: But, listen, the head was still wiggling.
Norman: Then a hawk flew down, grabbed it, and carried it away.
Cory: If it wasn't for my dad, we'd all be dead from that snake. And Norman would have been carried off by the hawk. [Norman sighs]

Coach Long: Well, uh, the boys are exaggerating a bit, but, uh, I did work up an appetite saving all these lives. [laughs] You know, some of y'all start a fire. And the rest of y'all, sharpen up some sticks so we can roast some hot dogs. Come on.
Bill: Actually, I know you told me to get hot dogs, but I did a lot better than that. Freeze-dried beef stroganoff.
Coach Long: What you feeding us? Beanies and weenies would have been a whole lot easier.
Bill: Cliff, this is the food of the future. The salesman told me this is what the astronauts use. All we got to do is add hot water and we'll be eating like kings.
[later, the boys are sitting around with bowls full of colorless slop:]
Bill: Come on, guys. If you close your eyes, it's just like eating at a fancy restaurant in... whatever country beef stroganoff comes from.

Adult Dean: I could tell my dad was feeling terrible about what I said at the lake. I was feeling pretty lousy myself, and he obviously needed my help putting up that tent. But you know what? I was cooking a marshmallow, and those things go from brown to black real quick.
Coach Long: [breathes sharply] It looks like your father could use a hand.
Dean: It's not my fault he doesn't know what he's doing. He's really bad at this.
Coach Long: Bad? [laughing] He's the worst. [chuckles] Always has been. Now, when we were around your age, a bunch of us would go out into the woods, and your father would stay home and practice his saxophone. And he would yell at us, "Y'all can waste your time chasing those squirrels, 'cause I'm gonna stay home and practice so I can play at the Blue Note in New York City." And I'll be damned if he didn't play there before we graduated college. [chuckles] And I'll be honest... I couldn't believe when I heard he volunteered to be the troop leader.
Dean: Then why'd he do it?
Coach Long: Well, if I had to take a guess, um... he wanted his son to do something that was important to him, and if that meant looking a little foolish... well... he was man enough to let it happen. [chuckles] [distant laughter] Boy, how many times I told y'all about playing catch with the hatchet?!