[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Dwight K. Schrute: First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow. I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Michael Scott: Here's the thing, when a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.

Michael Scott: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. Five-hundred boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.

Creed: Yes. Hello. Creed Bratton, quality assurance, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there, and I'm trying to remember who it was. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday the 11th. Perfect.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.

Creed: I got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there. Unfortunately, she's got some children.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown.She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card. Maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? [Creed pockets the money and throws the card away] It's tragic. It is just tragic.

Michael Scott: Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! You are entering the no-spin zone!

[Dwight arrives at the office dressed like Jim]
Dwight K. Schrute: Pam.
Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight K. Schrute: I look like an idiot! Hey, Karen.
Karen: Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim: Do you?
Karen: No. Okay. I'm good. Thanks.
Jim: Look at that.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim: Spot on.
Dwight K. Schrute: A little comment.

Michael Scott: Where is Creed? Creed.
Creed: Here.
Michael Scott: Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.