Michael Scott: I've never met anybody who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool.
Woman: That's one aspect of small pet grooming.What do you do?
Michael Scott: I am a bank teller.
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: Ryan told me to always tell a woman you work in finance.

Phyllis: Did the police solve the problem with the-
Ryan: Yes. Yes, they did. Yes, they did.
[to camera:]
Ryan: Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators.

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he's the reason we've to come in tomorrow. However, I swear to God, if any of you hurts him in any way, emotionally, or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half-beard-
Ryan: Okay. Thanks, Michael.

Dwight K. Schrute: I don't understand why our website needs to have social networking at all.
Jim: Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one.
Ryan: It's all about creating a one-stop consumer experience. All right? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election. All of it is happening in our virtual paper store.
Jim: And then an older gentleman asks you, "boxers or briefs?"
Creed: I don't get the big fuss here. I like the site.

Stanley: Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim: Nope. I didn't. But let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam: We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley: Perfect. You guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Ryan: Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine. This is Troy.
Michael Scott: Hey. Nice to meet you.
Troy: Hey. How're you doing?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi. Dwight. You resemble the Tolkien character.
Ryan: He basically is, man. He's a regular banking wizard.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, not a wizard. A hobbit.

Michael Scott: Ryan? We're gonna take your clothes off.
Ryan: No! Guys I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?
Dwight K. Schrute: I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
Michael Scott: Shh. Just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend, and that you're going to help him, and that everything's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs. And then you get that guy and you flip him. You turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people really, really bad. I've been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it.

Ryan: Dwight Schrute, man. How's Schrute farms?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good.
Ryan: This guy owns his own beet farm.
Troy: Insane!
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, it's weevil season, but we were prepared.
Ryan: "Weevils" What a crazy word, man. I don't even know what that means? What does that mean?
Dwight K. Schrute: They lay their eggs inside the unripe beetroot, then, come springtime, the babies eat their way out.
Ryan: Crazy!

Pam: What's wrong, Michael?
Michael Scott: I got gum in my hair.
Pam: You do.
Michael Scott: This just stinks. Don't touch it. Please, don't touch it!
Dwight K. Schrute: You got a ton of dandruff.
Michael Scott: Okay, let me be.
Jim: How'd you get gum in your hair?
Michael Scott: I was walking in and I noticed something shiny under Stanley's car. And I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair. All for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Jim: But, best-case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.
Michael Scott: Kill me, right now.
Jim: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
Michael Scott: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Jim: Nope, not for you, it's for your hair. And it is 9:00 AM.
Pam: Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are gonna get mad.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.
[later, in Michael's office, Dwight has thoroughly covered Michael's hair in peanut butter]
Michael Scott: Smells good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Taste good, too.
Michael Scott: Oh, don't, that's disgusting.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wow. Lot of calories.
Michael Scott: Well, just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging, please. Oh. Yeah, that's nice.

Michael Scott: I will be honest. The dating has not been going well. Look. Men are visual creatures. We crave beauty. Like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists. Or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude. That, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are- Not that they aren't nice or that have great personalities. They just- They just lack a certain Crawfordness.