Michael Scott: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight K. Schrute: They are now.
Michael Scott: Cool. [singing] "My horn can pierce the sky"

Michael Scott: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of splenda. I call it a "One of Everything."
Meredith: Oh, my God! [laughing] Hit me again!
Michael Scott: All right. One more time around the block.

Jim: I will grant you one wish.
Pam: I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim: Stupid. Everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes. Dumb.

Oscar: We're back on the 5th. Should we just do it then?
Michael Scott: We cannot do it then. Monthly dental appointment. Soft teeth.

Michael Scott: An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe. But really it's It's a coming together- It's a surprise party for people who are- Who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them, and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.

Andy: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of so-co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskis, some jell-o shots. Do some body shots off myself. Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more so-co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight "B"s. They called me "Buzz."

Michael Scott: Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to. But then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on, people. If we don't say anything, she's not gonna get any better.

Michael Scott: Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. As fire marshal, I would have to.
Michael Scott: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area.
Jim: But you need a permit for that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed: I can get you one in an hour.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?

Michael Scott: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But, you know what, my wishes never come true so I'm not going to wish that on her. A watch would be nice.

Toby: Darryl, I need this doll.
Darryl: Don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for 400.
Toby: I only have 200.
Darryl: You can owe me.
Toby: [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you.
Darryl: I know, right? Merry Christmas.
Toby: She's gonna- [noticing the doll is black]
Darryl: Something wrong with the doll?
Toby: No. It's- It's even- It's even better than the one I wanted.