Michael Scott: Meredith?
Meredith: I don't want to say it out loud.
Michael Scott: Okay. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
[aside to camera:]
Meredith: Well, I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow. So, what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist']

Michael Scott: Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.
Phyllis: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.
Michael Scott: It's okay. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to throw me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the five - you know, the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- Oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.

Jim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me. Or co-micro-manage... me.

Dwight K. Schrute: You are not a joke!
Michael Scott: I am!
Dwight K. Schrute: You are smart.
Michael Scott: Jim's smart than me.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are handsome.
Michael Scott: Jim is more handsome.
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Jim is ugly. Please. I mean, I'd give anything for his nose. It's true. But, God, the rest of him? He looks like Popeye's wife.

Andy: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.
Keena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple.
Andy: Well-
Pam: Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you.
Keena Gifford: Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do.
Pam: Well, you know.
Andy: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook.
Pam: He loves to eat.
Andy: I love to dance.
Pam: I love to watch him dance.
Andy: Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room.
Pam: And I'll just watch him.

Michael Scott: And then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Jim: Wow.
Michael Scott: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
Jim: I bet we would.
Michael Scott: They have a TCBY booth.
Jim: Cool.
Michael Scott: The same stuff you get downtown.
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Do you like TCBY?
Jim: Who doesn't?
Michael Scott: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun.

Michael Scott: Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

Pam: Here we are outside-
Andy: WB!
Pam: - the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park.
Andy: Industrial P! Makin' cold calls.
Pam: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.

Michael Scott: [answering phone] Yeah?
Erin: Michael, people are asking questions.
Michael Scott: Okay. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Phyllis: Hey, Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?
Michael Scott: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?
Jim: Mmm. It's like Michael said. It was some- Something else.

Jim: Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out.