Dwight K. Schrute: I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Michael Scott: Yesterday, I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an "epiphery". Life is precious. And if I die, I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.

Michael Scott: Hello, everyone. As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. So get your suits to the dry cleaners and get your hair did. And Karen, you might wanna invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It's my job to insure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
[later:]
Michael Scott: I'm sorry, I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Michael Scott: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. To jump-start a car, first, pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then, you take these and clip them wherever. Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam: No.
Michael Scott: And-
Pam: No.
Michael Scott: Come on. [removing a bra from Dwight] You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Dwight K. Schrute: Ow!
Michael Scott: Well, you get the picture. Thanks, Pam. And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.

Dwight K. Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott: He's not gonna be a murderer.
Dwight K. Schrute: Maybe that's how you die?
Michael Scott: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this or no?
Dwight K. Schrute: I wanna do this.
Michael Scott: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Dwight K. Schrute: Action.

Dwight K. Schrute: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate? Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph II.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Friedrich Wilhelm III.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why, the tyrant, King George, of course!

Jim: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Michael Scott: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And, Elizabeth, the stripper, gave me great advice which rhymed. It really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become President, but someone like Elizabeth can't.

Michael Scott: Hello, son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a-
Dwight K. Schrute: How do you know it's gonna be a boy?
Michael Scott: How- Would you stop interrupting, please?

Pam: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business. But I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.