Creed: [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.

Michael Scott: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin' about.
Shelby: Thanks you.
Michael Scott: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.

Erin: I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.

Andy: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

Michael Scott: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.

Andy: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Pam: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Andy: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.

Stanley: You brought balloons to a play?
Michael Scott: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.
Phyllis: It's nice, like Up.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Usher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?
Michael Scott: Nope.

Angela: That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
Dwight K. Schrute: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.

Michael Scott: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.

Darryl: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
Michael Scott: Yeah, good job. Well done.
Sweeney Todd: You're the guy who booed me.
Michael Scott: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Sweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Michael Scott: Get your eyes checked, chuckle-head.
Creed: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.