Frankie: What was I thinking? How did this happen?!
Mike: Sounds like beer happened.
Frankie: I only had four!
Mike: You once picked a fight with your reflection after two. Is there more?
Frankie: No, that's it. "Sincerely, Frankie and Mike Heck."
Mike: What?! You signed my name?! Why would you sign my name?!
Frankie: 'cause this is your fault! You got me all pumped up by supporting me!
Mike: That's what husbands do! Wives say they're gonna do stuff, and we listen and nod.
Frankie: Right. That's being supportive.
Mike: No, that's avoiding a fight and getting to the TV faster. I didn't think you were ever gonna do anything. As long as I've known you, you've been all talk and no action. You found a rat's foot in a can of chili and never got around to writing a letter.

Frankie: I was just so mad at Ms. Rinsky!
Brick: Why are you talking about Ms. Rinsky?
Frankie: It's nothing, honey. Everything's fine.
Brick: Well, I love Ms. Rinsky. She's great. She gives us candy when we get the answers right.
Frankie: Yeah. I know you like Ms. Rinsky, but she's not perfect. Don't forget, you got a D on that test.
Brick: Yeah, I'm thinking that might be 'cause I only answered three questions.
Mike: How many questions were there?
Brick: 45.
Frankie: Brick! She said we could have free reading time when we finished the test, so I finished in five minutes.
Mike: You're lucky you got a D.
Brick: I know. Ms. Rinsky's the best.

Frankie: [v.o.] So Axl and Sue decided, whatever it took, they were gonna help Aunt Edie find that time capsule... And it took a lot.
Axl: Aunt Edie we've driven around this block a million times. Do you see your old house or not?
Aunt Edie: Not. I think we need to go back to Wheeler's Market and make left this time.
[Axl turns the car around]
Aunt Edie: That's it! That's my house!
Axl: That's a taco stand, Aunt Edie.
Aunt Edie: We need to go back to Wheeler's Market and take a left this time.
[Axl turns the car around again]
Sue: Any of these look like your house, Aunt Edie?
Aunt Edie: Look for the boy who brings the ice. He'll know.
[Axl turns the car around again]

Frankie: [v.o.] Well, thanks to that new high-speed internet we tried free for 90 days, the principal did get my e-mail and called to say Sshe wanted to meet Mike and me as soon as we got off work.
Mike: Hi. We're the Hecks. We're here to see Principal Larimer.
Receptionist: Oh, you're Brick's parents. He has Ms. Rinsky, doesn't he? Isn't she the best? I just love her.
Frankie: Really? I just love my family members. I think it's a really overused word.

Sue: Aunt Edie, are you sure this is the right yard? [Aunt Edie nods]
Axl: How many holes are we gonna be digging here? This is crazy! I found this weird bone. It's either a cat leg or a finger. It's freaking me out. Let's just get out of here before these people get home.
Sue: Axl, we can't stop now! We have come all this way, and why? For Aunt Edie! To give her the one thing in her life she has always dreamed of!
Aunt Edie: Wait! I remember! It was a book.
Axl: You buried a book?
Aunt Edie: No. It was in a Nancy Drew book. She buried a time capsule, and I always thought that I should do it, and I never did.
Axl: I'm digging a lot bigger hole. I'll tell you one case Nancy Drew's not gonna solve!
Man: Who's out there?
Aunt Edie: Ooh, run! Run!
[As Axl and Sue run off, Aunt Edie sprays the homeowner with his own garden hose]

Frankie: [gasps] Oh, look. Oh, Ms. Rinsky's here... In our meeting. Wow. You look so pretty. Is that a new top?
Ms. Rinsky: No.
Principal Larimer: Thank you for coming down. Whenever parents have a complaint, we take it very seriously.
Frankie: Look, in our e-mail, my husband and I said a lot of things. Really it's just a bunch of words.
Ms. Rinsky: What words were you referring to, "drunk" or "Nazi"?
Principal Larimer: Name-calling aside, once these matters come to light, we are mandated to address them promptly and swiftly.
Frankie: Well, what's prompter than forgetting about it? You know, I've already moved on.
Principal Larimer: This type of behavior will not be tolerated. You have to be stopped.
Frankie: I'm sorry. You're looking at me. She's sitting over there.
Ms. Rinsky: We're looking at you, dear. We are all looking at you.

Frankie: Whoa. Hold on a second. This is starting to sound like it's about me.
Principal Larimer: Let's take a look at your file.
Frankie: I have a file?! Mike!
Mike: Uh, in her defense, she was very drunk.
Principal Larimer: Besides harassing a teacher, you've also been "overreactive", "mildly threatening", "demanding special attention"... Your "intimidating behavior creates a hostile learning environment..."
Frankie: I am not the one who's hostile! She's the one who's hostile!
Mike: Ssh. [secretary types]
Frankie: Wait. Is that going in my file, too?

Principal Larimer: Now, we're not going to recommend you leave the school, because Ms. Rinsky would like to handle this directly.
Ms. Rinsky: Dear, I blame myself. When you acted out, I should never have banned you. I mean, I'm an educator. I believe in second chances. Therefore, you are now the opposite of banned. You're gonna be the new room mommy. You'll be in charge of the phone tree. And the school's pets are gonna be yours on vacations. And every Tuesday and Thursday, crossing guard.
Frankie: Oh, come on!
Ms. Rinsky: And please... Get help with your drinking. Brick needs a mother.
Mike: Will do. Let's go, Frankie.

Frankie: [v.o.] And it turns out, I had a little time capsule of my own.
Frankie: A file, Mike? Someone seriously has a file on me? How do I go from being a person teachers always loved yo a person with a file?
Mike: Well, you know, maybe they didn't love you as much as you thought they did.
Frankie: [scoffs] So what are we gonna do about this crossing guard thing? I take Tuesdays, you take Thursdays, and then we switch off?
Mike: What do you mean "we"?
Frankie: Hey. I'm telling.
Mike: 'course you are, 'cause you're a narc.

Frankie: [v.o.] Okay, I sucked at the math class, and it turns out I only knew 16 presidents. But at least Mike and I were able to help Brick study for his big math test the next day... And by "Mike and I," I mean mostly Mike.
Frankie: Hey. You got it. Oh, I am so proud of you! He got it, right?
Mike: Yep. High five! [Frankie and Mike high-five over Brick's head]