Mike: You're kidding, right?
Frankie: The vet says she has to be in a smoke-free environment until she regenerates lung tissue. What could I say?
Mike: So what? Now we're not going?
Frankie: I don't know. The kids can't watch her. You can't leave her alone for more than 15 minutes or she chokes on her saliva. And someone has to change the nicotine patch because she's going through withdrawal.

Frankie: I wanna go on the trip, Mike. Believe me, I need this trip, okay? I eat standing up at the counter, I've been reading the same one article in People magazine for a month. No one wants to get away more than me.
Mike: Your problem is you're letting these people control your whole life. Aunt Ginny has a son.
Frankie: You know Travis is in prison. And Aunt Edie's kid fried his brain huffing paint. He's literally the village idiot of Terre Haute.
Mike: What about your mom?
Frankie: Mom's in Des Moines taking care of Grandma.
Mike: How the hell long do people live in your family?
Frankie: You do for family, Mike. That's all there is to it.
Mike: Maybe if you did a little less for family, they'd start dying off and then we could have a damn vacation.

Frankie: All right, all right. Hold on. One at a time.
Sue: It is the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to anyone.
Frankie: Honey, I'm sure it's not as bad as that.
Frankie: [v.o.] It was. Bit by bit I was able to piece together what had happened. It seems the phrase "grand gesture" had stayed with Sue after her talk with Mike.
[flashback to Sue talking over the school's PA system:]
Sue: Um, this is Sue Heck with a special message for Brendan Nichols. [sings] Why do birds suddenly appear Every time you are near Just like me They long to be Close to you [laughter]
Frankie: [v.o.] It was a girl's worst nightmare. Everyone in the school was laughing about that ridiculous Sue Heck. The only bright spot was no one knew who Sue Heck was.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I already spoke to your aunt, but I need to clear up a few things. I understand your children were trying to get in touch with you?
Frankie: I am so sorry. I just turned off my phone for 15 minutes.
Police Officer: You turned off your phone. But you're a mom.
Frankie: I just needed a break.
Police Officer: From what? Being a mom?
Frankie: No. Well... yes. Okay, I just have one question. Why didn't a single one of you think to call your father?
Brick: Dad hates it when we call him at work.
Frankie: [v.o.] And so I decided to stop fighting it. Maybe Queen Elizabeth or Julia Roberts could take 15 minutes in the bathroom with maxi pads on their eyes, or plan a trip to the carpet remnant store, but not me. I had flown too close to the sun and I had paid the price.

Frankie: So, what did you wanna show me?
Mike: Buckle up.
Frankie: What? Mike. Wait, what are you doing?
Mike: It's our almost-18th anniversary. I am taking you to French Lick and buying you a carpet remnant.
Frankie: Mike. Okay, look, stop. No, you can't just do this. This is crazy. I don't even have my phone. And what about the kids? And Aunt Ginny and Aunt Edie?
Mike: Took care of it. [both laugh and cheer]
Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out, after all these years, Mike's a genius.
[Axl, Sue, Brick, Aunt Edie, Aunt Ginny and Doris sit in the front of the Hecks' TV:]
Bob: Okay, time to turn off the TV and have a little family conversation. So, who watched last week's Wife Swap? All right, I'll tell you all about it. So there's this couple...
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike was able to get Bob to give up his "bag in the wind" lifestyle and have a family for one night.
Bob: Again, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to tell you about the best episode. I love it.

Frankie: [v.o.] And as for Mike and I...
Mike: Happy?
Frankie: Yeah.
Mike: Route 33 Motor Lodge?
Frankie: Never disappoints.
Mike: And the remnant?
Frankie: It's so beautiful.
Mike: No natural fibers.
Frankie: It's a shame we have to take it home and let it get all covered with... life.
Mike: You're right. I think we need to take 15 minutes.
[Frankie and Mike place their carpet down in the middle of a park and lay down. As they do so, a couple of kids ride over it and leave dirty bike trails on the freshly-cleaned carpet]
Frankie: [v.o.] This isn't the easiest phase of life. You've got young people and old people pulling at you from both directions. But it's not so bad as long as you've got somebody in there with you. And that's something you gotta remember to celebrate.

Frankie: [v.o.] This was supposed to be my anniversary. That's me in the car.
Frankie: Don't wait up because I don't know when I'll be home.
Frankie: [v.o.] As much fun as this looks, a couple of days ago, we had a different plan in mind.

Frankie: [v.o.] This was actually our 16th and 17th anniversary. We kept postponing the 16th until it floated right into number 17.
Mike: I know how busy you been and you've been saying how badly you wanna get away, so...
Frankie: A trip to the carpet remnant store. I love it. Oh! [chuckles]
Frankie: [v.o.] I know. It's a little pathetic to get so excited about a carpet remnant, but the rug in our bedroom had some serious mileage on it. I told you. I wasn't kidding.

Mike: On Friday, I'm taking you to French Lick, we'll stay overnight at the Route 33 Motor Lodge, then we'll pick out our remnant on Saturday, and head back home.
Frankie: I love it. [kisses Mike] Except for the "heading home" part.
Axl: Nobody wants to see that.
Sue: I think old people kissing is sweet.
Frankie: All right, I think we're done here.

Brick: Mom? I don't feel good.
Frankie: [v.o.] Uh-oh. One sick kid could lead to a whole houseful of sick by Friday, and there goes the anniversary.
Frankie: You're fine. You're not sick. Positive attitude. A bus ride will make you feel better. [closes the door] [Brick knocks]
Brick: I really don't feel good.
Frankie: Okay. If you have to throw up, do it on Mommy's carpet.