Michael: This is perfect. We're right near Chidi's office, and as far as I can tell the whole floor is abandoned. What do they use it for? Storage?
Janet: No, this is the journalism department.
Michael: Huh. Bad for the world, good for us.

Michael: So, somehow, with none of our powers we have to keep the group intact and monitor their ethical progress. So, how do we do that?
Janet: Not sure. There's no way to track people's actual point totals only the Accountants have that information, but... I did install cameras and microphones, so at least we can keep our eye on them. Let's get peepin'! Oh, no. Not a great start. Eleanor farted and then she blamed it on her chair. That's gonna cost her at least a few points.
Eleanor: [in the class room] There's a bolt missing or something...

Chidi: Before we begin, Trevor is dropping out of the study. He sent me an email last night. "I'm sad to inform you that I am too ugly and stupid to be in the study and I'm going home to my mummy."
Michael: [in the observation room] That was me. I wrote that email!

Janet: Are you sure we should be doing this? It kind of feels like cheating.
Michael: No, no, it's not cheating. Think of us as a snowplow, clearing a path for Eleanor so she can more easily drive along the road of improvement.
Janet: Ooh, I love that! You really painted a picture there.

Eleanor: You guys, this is nuts. This morning, I found a lottery ticket on the ground outside my apartment. I scratched it off... and I won $18,000!
Chidi: Wow!
Jason: That's amazing!
Tahani: Better luck next time. Yes. Sorry, from context, I see that is actually a large sum of money.

Eleanor: Why do you want to watch football with Jason?
Tahani: I don't, really. But I am, these days, as you might say in America... "mad horny".
Eleanor: Oh! OK, well... Oh, boy. No judgments, babe. He's a straight hottie. You want to smash Jason, go smash.

Michael: Tahani getting together with Jason even casually, could tear this group apart. We have to nip this in the bud.
Janet: Well, it makes me slightly uneasy to Interfere in the personal life of the man that I am secretly in love with and a woman I admire but if you think we should, I-I'm not gonna argue.
Michael: Time to break out the ol' snowplow again, Janet. Let's find Tahani a loving, supportive companion.
Janet: Great idea.
Michael: Oh, you know, this is not as crucial to the mission but I'd also love to arrange for them to get better computers, help them work faster.
Janet: If I'm going to the mall anyway, I might as well pick Jason up some jean shorts the kind with the frayed edges, where you can see the pockets coming out the bottom? So that he can... study better.
Michael: Sure.

Monty: Who are you? Do you work here?
Janet: Your name is Montgomery Wycoff. Your ex-wife Samantha still loves you but she's afraid to call. You must show her your poetry. Go to her. Go to her!

Chidi: Actually, Tahani's announcement made us take stock. You know, Simone and I need time to analyse the data apply for grants. We've kind of hit a natural stopping point.
Simone: Yeah, and the next step would be to repeat the experiment with new subjects you know, compare results.
Eleanor: Wait, what are you saying? That... the study's over? We're... splitting up?
Chidi: No, no, no. We're just taking a break, for... a year or so. And I'm sure you're all anxious to get back home.
Eleanor: Yeah, I got a lot of stuff to get back to in Phoenix. Like... I have a free punch card at my spray tan place. They'll do my left side for free, so...

Michael: No, no, no, no! The whole group is splintering! OK, new emergency plan. I'll deal with Eleanor, I... I... I know it's risky but I don't think she'll recognize me.
Janet: And I'll deal with Sweet Cheeks. I mean, Jason's butt! I mean, Jason.