Chuck: I have some questions about my character too. Like... can he bite them?
Michael: No. Okay, reminder: the most important thing tonight... and this is crucial... you need to get Eleanor drunk at the welcome party, so she will say and do a bunch of bad stuff. And then we take that stuff and use it to build our chaos sequence in the morning. For example, you remember last time, she stole all the cocktail shrimp, and we made giant nightmare shrimp fly through the sky? See, it's those details that make her realize she's in danger of being found out. Okay... I know that this kind of large-scale deception is not what you were trained to do. There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths, and their stupid elbows. You're gonna be tempted to say, "Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ "and do this the old-fashioned way? "Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?" And sure, sure, that sounds nice. But it also sounds easy. We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you. So, "torture" on three. Ready? One, two, three...
All: Torture!
Chuck: And biting!
Michael: Nope! No.

Chidi: No way. Soul mates are real?
Michael: They sure are. Although, your soul-mate situation is a little unusual.
Chidi: Oh, no. I don't have one, do I? That's fine. I mean, who needs a soul mate, anyway? My soul mate will be... books!
Michael: No, no, it's not that you don't have a soul mate, it's that you have multiple soul mates. Here. Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like... like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

Chidi: So, how do you choose who I should be with?
Michael: Oh, I don't choose. You do, Chidi.
Chidi: I... [stammers] What?
Michael: This is Angelique, Pedro, and Pevita. According to the system, either Pedro or Chidi could be matched perfectly with either Angelique or Pevita. So, figure it out. Should be fun.
Chidi: Cool... beans. One second, guys. Um, so, so, so...
Michael: Yeah?
Chidi: Yeah, so... making decisions isn't necessarily my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You... you once had a panic attack at a make-your-own-sundae bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings. And very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palate or a fruit palate, and if you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi-Junior-Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.

Michael: This is your soul mate, Tomas. Now, Tomas was a doctor with the International Rescue Alliance, and you raised money that ultimately funded his medical missions. It's just so perfect!
Tomas: It's lovely to meet you, Tahani.
Tahani: Charmed, I'm... short. I'm sorry, did I just say "short"? I-I meant to say "charmed, I'm sure," of course, because I am charmed to meet you, it's just an unfortunate Freudian short. [giggles] Shall we? So, where did you attend medical short?

Tahani: Uh, hello, all. Sorry for the late hour, Eleanor. I wanted to stop by and give you back your sash.
Eleanor: That's okay. You can just keep it.
Tahani: No! I don't deserve it. I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!

Janet: [enters with Jason] Hi, Eleanor. This person would like to speak with you... privately. About something.
Eleanor: Oh, really?
Janet: Yup. Bye! [disappears]
Eleanor: [whispers to Chidi] This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.
Michael: Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away.
Jason: Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
Eleanor: Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Tahani: I'm quite confused.
Eleanor: Let me explain, gorgeous. I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place. Michael is forking with us.
Jason: Like a prank show.
Eleanor: Yeah, like a prank show. Except according to this note, it's a prank show we've all been on before.
Michael: What note?
Eleanor: Apparently, I wrote myself a note, and stuck it in that Jackie lady's mouth.
Chidi: Janet. Her name is Janet.
Eleanor: Oh, right, Janet.

Michael: [cackling] Are you kidding me? Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so. That was some very quick thinking. I'm extremely impressed. And to be honest... I'm relieved. At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast. But you're not gonna be so lucky next time.
Tahani: Next time?
Chidi: What?
Michael: Yeah. [laughs]
Eleanor: Oh, no. He's gonna do it again! [eats paper]
Michael: That's not gonna work this time... dummy.
Tahani: Okay, excuse me. I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. I demand to speak to your superior.
Michael: I am so sorry, madam. Please forgive me. [snaps fingers]

Michael: All right, go ahead, Vicky.
Vicky: Yeah, I have some questions about my new character. I feel like I got Real Eleanor... Like, I got her, you know? But this new character, "Denise"... I mean, who is she? I don't get her. Is she a quirky best friend type, or more of a femme fatale, "sexuality is her weapon of choice" type?
Michael: Both... both those things.

Gayle: Michael told us all about your speech. I can't wait to hear what you have to say.
Eleanor: Me neither, Jessica. Me. Neither.
Gayle: Aw, don't be nervous. Here. Liquid courage.
Eleanor: Actually, um... you know what? I think I need to keep a clear head. Can you imagine getting drunk before giving a big speech? Getting kicked out of your niece's christening, and then, only later, once you've sobered up, realize you don't even have a niece. It's like, who was that kid?