‘Everything is Great’
Season 2, Episode 1 - Aired September 20, 2017
After wiping their minds, Michael tries for a second time to convince Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason that they are in the Good Place, but their suspicions are raised from the start.
Quote from Vicky
Vicky: It just feels like I used to be "Real Eleanor", and now I'm "Denise."
Michael: Denise is a good part, with a... a great backstory. You run the best pizza place in the neighborhood. You have a cat, and that's cool.
Vicky: I took this job because it seemed fun and different, and in the original version, I got to break Chidi's heart, like, 20 times, and it was great. I mean, he was miserable. And now, Angelique gets to torture him? Angelique is a hack. I can act circles around her! But I have nothing to do! I am a Ferrari, okay? And you don't keep a Ferrari in the garage.
Michael: I hear your concern. I do. And I promise you, there is a great arc coming for Denise the pizza lady in about 80 years or so. [Vicky sighs] Chidi is going to accidentally kill your cat. It's gonna give you a great chance to shine.
Vicky: Can I just have something that makes me stand out? A mysterious past, or... a limp! I want a limp.
Michael: This is supposed to be the Good Place. Why would... Okay, I... no, I hear you. I'll tell you what. Go nuts, all right? Limp your heart out.
Quote from Chidi
Eleanor: Are you gonna talk, or just walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit?
Chidi: I'm sorry, I'm trying to process a tremendous amount of insane information. I mean, you're not supposed to be here, but you and I clearly met here, somehow, before now. I mean... does that mean that I'm not supposed to be here?
Eleanor: I don't know, dude. Were you a good person on earth?
Chidi: I... I think so. I spent my life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the uni... [gasps] Oh, no! I used almond milk in my coffee, even though I knew about the negative environmental impact.
Quote from Jason
Jason: Uh, Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there, Jianyu.
Jason: Hi, Janet! Um, can I tell you something?
Janet: Sure.
Jason: I'm not Jianyu. And I'm not a silent monk. My real name is Jason. And I don't know what's going on. I got here and Michael said I'm a monk, and he told me I was gonna have a new best friend, and that we were gonna live in a yogurt.
Janet: A yurt.
Jason: Oh, yeah, "yurt" for short. I was psyched to meet my new best friend, but he turned out to be this weird silent guy that won't leave me alone. I don't wanna go back to my yogurt.
Quote from Michael
Chidi: So there really is an afterlife. I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant, and lunch with Michele Foucault, and then have dinner with Kant again, so we can talk about what came up at breakfast.
Michael: I'm sorry, Chidi... all the great philosophers in history... [inhales] ended up in the Bad Place.
Chidi: All of my heroes are...
Michael: Being tortured. Yes, I'm afraid so. Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school... naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. [chuckles] And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever. But the point is: Chidi, you were way better than all of them. You're safe.
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Dude, I'm guessing we have about 30 seconds to talk before someone notices. When I got here, some robot lady appeared out of thin air and gave me this.
Chidi: You mean Janet.
Eleanor: Oh, that's it! Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Not now, Janet. Buzz off.
Janet: Okay. [disappears]
Eleanor: Now, I have no memory of writing this, but it is my handwriting. And that's your name, right? So, for some reason, at some point, I put this note into... that whatever-lady's robot mouth.
Chidi: You already forgot her name?
Eleanor: No, I didn't. Her name is... Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Fork off!
Janet: Okay. [disappears]
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Hey, lady? Can you come back? J...oey? Janine? J... Jaja? [scoffs] Why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves? No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to. Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or what are you? A type of soup, maybe?
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Hi. Is your name Chidi?
Chidi: Yes?
Eleanor: Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Listen to me very carefully. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We need to talk.
Quote from Chidi
Chidi: It's interesting that Hawaiian pizza is so popular here.
Angelique: Yeah, I guess a lot of the residents here love it. Kind of makes you wonder what type of pizza they have in the Bad Place, huh? [both laughing]
Chidi: So, I can't believe you studied in Brisbane. We must have just missed each other. What was your thesis on?
Angelique: Oh, gosh. It was so boring. It was called, "Cultural Relativism and Moral Absolutism: An Exploration of Values As Seen Through The Works of Alain LeRoy..."
Both: Locke and Immanuel Kant!
Angelique: Shut up. You read it?
Chidi: No, but that pairing is the most obvious pairing to employ in a paper with that title, and I wanna read it so bad!
Quote from Michael
Pedro: So, first impressions? Anyone?
Angelique: I kind of want to hear what Chidi thinks.
Chidi: Well. Um... I mean, you're both brilliant, accomplished women... and Pedro, you're great too. Just amazing people. I'm surrounded. Ahh! [laughs] But, if I had to say... who I sort of immediately bonded to, on a gut level, I think I would say that I kind of feel like my soul mate is... Angel-
Michael: [bangs on window] Wait, wait! [panting] There was a mistake in the calculations. We had a four-hour time gap in your profiles on May 10, 2003. I corrected that day's events for all of you, and ran the numbers again, and... the final result proves definitively that Pedro is Angelique's soul mate, and Chidi, your soul mate is Pevita. That was close. [chuckles] [Chidi groans quietly] Hey, you guys hadn't made a decision yet, had you?
Chidi: No! We did not. No one said anything. I didn't hear anything, and I certainly didn't say anything. That's for darn sure. [both chuckle]
Michael: Okay. All right. See you later.
Quote from Chidi
Chidi: This is fun. It's a fun party. There's no question about it, this is a fun situation. Hey, you guys are here.
The fun continues... nay, increases! [laughs]
Angelique: You two look nice.
Chidi: Thanks! And you look... [drawing out word] fine. Would I say you look better than anyone else here? No, I wouldn't say that. Do you look bad? No. But good? Would I go as far as to say that you look good? Doubtful. Hey, wine. Mmm. Do I feel like red or white?
Pevita: Oh, deep down in your heart of hearts, you probably already know which one you want.
Janet: Why isn't anyone talking?
Chidi: Janet, could you show me to the bar, please?