Miles: Rose. Rose, it's me.
Rose: Mi- Miles? I beg your pardon. I'm sure Blanche will be out any minute.
Miles: No, Rose, Rose, it's me.
Rose: Miles?
Miles: I've come back, Rose. I had to see you.
Rose: But you've changed.
Miles: Well, I'm Amish, Rose. That's my new identity in the Witness Protection Program. See, I'm an Amish man. I live on an Amish farm. I carry wood, I dig holes and I milk things. And to be frank it sucks.

Miles: I've missed you, Rose.
Rose: Oh, I've missed you, too, Miles.
Miles: No, no, Rose. My name is now Samuel. Samuel Plankmaker.
Rose: Isn't it dangerous for you to be here? You might have been followed.
Miles: Oh, no, I took all kinds of precautions. I even switched buggies on the way over.

Blanche: I don't know what I'm gonna do. Boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma, and these rabbis just come out of the woodwork.
Dorothy: Rose, who is this?
Rose: This is- This is a friend. His name is Samuel. Samuel Plankmaker. Samuel, these are my roommates. Girls, you know Miles. Samuel! Shoot! Sorry.

Blanche: I just want to go on record as saying I am against this. That Cheeseman character could be following Miles, and there's no telling what he would do to me for information.
Dorothy: Blanche, you are really so self-centered. In the first place, no gangster is going to come here. And secondly, Blanche, this is important to Rose. Aren't you interested in Rose's happiness?
Rose: Happiness? I'm supposed to be happy? Just when I was getting on with my life, Miles shows up, and for a visit. He can't even stay. How am I gonna move on? How is my heart ever supposed to heal with Miles here?
Blanche: Do you really think I'm self-centered?

Mrs. Ward: Well, thank you, Evelyn and Margaret, for that gripping and realistic reenactment of the defeat of General Burnside's troops at Fredericksburg.
Dorothy: It's hard to believe you couldn't get federal funding for this.

Woman #1: Did you say Claude Livaudais?
Louise: Yes.
Woman #1: My great-grandfather told stories of Claude Livaudais. He once sold horseshoes to a Union soldier.
Woman #2: Yankee.
Louise: No, no, I can explain.
Woman #1: Fie.
Woman #2: Traitor.
Blanche: Oy vey.

Sophia: Dorothy, I can't see a thing. What's happening now?
Dorothy: The Harlem Globetrotters just took the court.

Miles: Oh, my God! You! How did you find me?
Karl: Time to say goodbye, buddy boy.
Rose: Karl, Miles, as flattering as this is, I- I don't want you fighting over me.
Miles: What? Karl? Is this the man you've been seeing?
Rose: Uh-huh. But don't worry. He's just a little jealous.
Miles: Got some bad news, Rose. It's not you he's after. He's using you to get to me. This is the Cheeseman.

Dorothy: Now, wait a minute. You can't come into this house waving that gun around. Although it is a very nice one. What is this, a Colt?

Blanche: Oh, I knew all along it was a bad idea to let Miles stay here. Oh, I'm too young to be struck down by a madman's bullet. I've gotta find some way out of this. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.