Rose: I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Blanche: Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gafloofen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svenkabluden?
Rose: No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water.

Blanche: Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends, just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stake of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee...
Dorothy: On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta. Finish the damn story, Blanche!
Blanche: Anyway, it was at our Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbad me ever to see her again.
Rose: Why?
Blanche: Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh! How my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standing there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand-new riding boots for Christmas. So I did.
Dorothy: Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Blanche: Oh, because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy. That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it, too. Along with a brand-new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically, they were trash.

Sophia: Picture it: Sicily, 1852.
Dorothy: Ma, I am in no mood. And besides, you weren't alive in 1852.
Sophia: What? We can't learn from history? It was mid-century and a disillusioned Italy looked to the house of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader, and not a bad dresser, thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife Rosa hit her sexual peak.
Dorothy: Ma, I am in here because of guilt.
Sophia: This is not a story about guilt. This is a story about being a bad hostess. While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese.
Dorothy: Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?
Sophia: That's my minor point. My major point is that, like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom when there are important things to do outside.
Dorothy: I can't believe it. That makes sense. I mean, you went the long way around but that actually makes sense.

Dorothy: Oh, I just have to catch my breath.
Trudy: Are we gonna play, or do you wanna forfeit?
Dorothy: No way. No, Dorothy Zbornak doesn't know the meaning of the word "forfeit."
Rose: And she's a teacher, too. No wonder the Japanese are ahead of us.

Rose: Oh, Trudy tripped.
Blanche: And she's not getting up. You think something's wrong?
Rose: I think she's fainted.
Blanche: I hope it's not anything worse.
Sophia: It is. I've seen that look before.
Blanche: You don't think?
Sophia: There are two things in this world a Sicilian knows. When pasta sticks to a wall, it's done. When a body sticks to cement, it's dead.

Rose: Oh, I was the butt of all kinds of jokes growing up. Actually, it ran in the family. In our breakfast room, we had one whole wall covered with "kick me" signs we had collected. Oh, there was a story attached to each one of them. And in some cases, the original Scotch tape.

Dorothy: Girls, you will never guess who I just got off the phone with.
Sophia: Trudy McMann, your best friend from high school. She's coming to Miami for your high-school reunion.
Rose: Sophia, that's incredible. You must have ESP.
Sophia: No. I have a phone extension in my bedroom.
Dorothy: Ma, how many times do I have to tell you not to listen in on my conversations?
Sophia: About twice a year. Like your phone is ringing off the hook. Like you got such a full social calendar. You're the only person who ever got a refund on call waiting.

Blanche: I remember I was a blossoming belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia Pageant.
Dorothy: Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Blanche: Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
Dorothy: I'm sorry, Blanche. I'm sorry. Go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."

Jack: Were they like that in high school, Mrs. Petrillo?
Sophia: Oh, no. Her breasts were actually a lot smaller back then.
Jack: I meant, were they rivals?
Sophia: What is this, Nova? I don't have all the answers.
Blanche: I'm afraid you'll have to excuse Sophia, Jack.
Sophia: Oh. You heard that? I thought I was safe backed up against these pillows.

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, high-school reunions can be so much fun. I will never forget mine. I was the most successful person there.
Dorothy: Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?
Blanche: Oh, yes, but she'd let her looks go to hell.