Dorothy: Aunt Angela, you really don't have to go.
Angela: Thank you, Dorothy, I'd like to stay, but I hate your mother. Goodbye, ladies, and thank you for everything.
Sophia: She's still here?
Angela: No, I left an hour ago. What does it look like?

Dorothy: Ma, get away from the back door.
Sophia: Have you got eyes in the back of your head or what?
Dorothy: Ma, why can't you just relax and enjoy your surprise?
Sophia: Because the last surprise I got was walking in on your cousin Vito parading around in my girdle.

Dorothy: Ma, trust me. You are going to love your present.
Sophia: What is it?
Dorothy: You'll find out Saturday at the party.
Sophia: Hey, I'm an old woman, I could die before I see it. You'd feel terrible.
Dorothy: Of course I would. I got it on sale. I can't return it.

Dorothy: Actually, I am going to tell you what I'm getting Ma, because I need your help. Wait. [Dorothy swings the kitchen door]
Sophia: Oh, my nose.
Dorothy: Ma, quit listening at the door.

Dorothy: I'm flying my mother's sister Angela over from Sicily.
Rose: And she's bringing the surprise?
Blanche: Rose, she is the surprise.

Blanche: Well, you're going to love this one, Sophia.
Sophia: Oh, you know what it is? What about the blabbermouth, does she know?
Rose: Maybe.
Sophia: She knows. Uh, Rose, after dinner, what do you say we ride over to the Dairy Queen for a couple of chocolate cones? My treat.
Rose: With rainbow sprinkles? They're five cents extra.
Sophia: What the hell? I'm a sport.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma, are you having fun?
Sophia: No, give me my present.
Rose: Not until after we slice my looks-like-chocolate, tastes-like-spice, you'Il-wish-you-had- a-bigger-slice marble cake. You know where it got its name?
Sophia: No, give me my present.

Sophia: Rose, I've got to congratulate you. You made it without giving away my present.
Rose: Sophia, you stop trying to make me tell you.
Sophia: Relax, Rose. Dorothy already told me what it is.
Rose: She did?
Sophia: Yeah, what a present. Boy, was I surprised.
Rose: Dorothy, I didn't know you'd already told Sophia her surprise was in-
Dorothy: Rose! Oh, all right, Ma. You'll get your present right now. I give up. You win. You always win.
Sophia: I know. Me and Mighty Mouse.

Dorothy: Can't the two of you at least say goodbye like civilized human beings? All right, that's it. I give up. Ma, goodbye. Angela, let's go. No, wait. I have something I want to say. When I was a little girl, there were two people I admired more than anyone else in the world. My mother and my favorite aunt. And now the two of you are at each other's throats and it's breaking my heart. I mean, so my mother kissed your husband at some stupid party. What does it matter now? You realize that this may be the last time you two see each other ever? Is this the way you want things left between you?

Sophia: Wait a minute. Are you referring to Francesca Ragouso's Christmas party back in '55?
Angela: Yes. The one where you kissed my Carmine.
Sophia: What? I never kissed Carmine. You never even kissed Carmine.
Angela: I remember it like it was yesterday. You were in a green satin dress and a fringed shawl which you did everything but sleep in.
Sophia: You're crazy. I wasn't wearing a fringed shawl that night, I lent it to Maria Fenestru.
Angela: Who?
Sophia: Maria, the one with the huge breasts. Remember, after the band left there was no entertainment, so all the men pitched pennies into her cleavage. She walked off with $19 of my husband's hard-earned money. She was the one wearing the fringed shawl.
Angela: Are you trying to tell me it was Maria who came on to my Carmine?
Sophia: Him and every other male there.