Blanche: What's your gripe with the President, anyway?
Dorothy: He calls himself the "education president," but our education system has some serious problems. I see the illiteracy, I see dropouts, I see kids who can't even find India on a map.
Rose: Well, to be fair, Dorothy, that stumped Columbus too.

Sophia: Pussycat, are you doing the grocery shopping today?
Dorothy: Yeah. Something you want?
Sophia: Uh, pick up a couple of chicken breasts, and why don't we say 40 - better make that 45 - tubes of sunscreen.
Rose: Oh, Sophia, I've made that mistake before. The best thing to do is just turn the oven down if you don't want the chicken to burn.
Dorothy: Rose, honey, I don't think my mother was planning on using the suntan lotion on the chicken. What do you mean, you've made that mistake before?

Dorothy: You wouldn't believe all the security out there. Of course, they have to have it. When the President comes to town, it brings out all the oddballs. [doorbell]
Stan: Hi, it's me, Stan.
Blanche: Stanley, what are you doing here?
Stan: I'm glad you asked. Inside this box is my best novelty yet, not to mention the perfect tie-in to the President's visit. Ladies the George Bush point of light on a stick.
Blanche: You know, Dorothy, every now and then it dawns on me you had children with this man.

Dorothy: Yeah, I see that you've met Stanley Zbornak.
Agent Bell: A novelty salesman, your ex-husband, father of your children, and if you don't mind me saying, first-class yutz.
Rose: Wow, they do know everything.

Agent Bell: We had to run security clearances on everyone. Everyone passed except for you, Mrs. Petrillo.
Sophia: I can't believe it! I spend one lousy night with Mussolini - and I do mean lousy - and I'm marked for life.

Sophia: Pussycat, if you're writing to your brother Phil, tell him I said thanks for the Underoos. And Spider-Man scared the hell out of my doctor.

Dorothy: There's a man on our lawn.
Blanche: Get the net.

Agent Bell: All right. Now that the Weinstock mystery is cleared up, I only have one more question to ask. What organizations do you belong to? We have to make sure none of them could be considered a threat to the President.
Dorothy: Oh, well, I'm a member of the Sierra Club, and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy.
Rose: And I'm a member of the Otto Club of St. Olaf. Well, actually I'm an honorary member. My name's not Otto.
Agent Bell: I don't think that group could be considered subversive.
Rose: Subversive?
Agent Bell: You know, as in, "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence?"
Rose: Violence.

Sophia: President Bush is coming to dedicate the new senior citizen center down the street. The motorcade goes right by here.
Dorothy: So?
Sophia: So all the neighbors on the block will be out on their lawns. It'll be a hundred degrees out there, and they will need protection. They can pay me or fry in the sun.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, that is a terrible thing to do to your neighbors.
Sophia: I'll cut you in for half.
Dorothy: We should also sell visors.

Agent Bell: Good afternoon. Sorry to bother you. I'm Agent Bell with the Secret Service.
Blanche: Well, won't you come right in?
Agent Bell: Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.
Blanche: How did you know my name?
Agent Bell: I know all your names. This house has been under surveillance.
Dorothy: Why are you watching our house?
Agent Bell: It's a security measure. The President wants to stop at one house on his way to dedicate the senior citizens' center.
Sophia: Why he can't he use the Arco station like everyone else?