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‘All Bets Are Off’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: All Bets Are Off

524. All Bets Are Off

Aired April 28, 1990

Sophia is worried when Dorothy starts gambling again after a day at the track. Meanwhile, Blanche is concerned when her advances on a co-worker are rebuffed.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I, uh, I would lend you my pass to the jockeys' lounge, but you don't want to date a jockey. The sex is over too fast, and afterwards the only nice thing they have to say to you is, "Good girl, good girl."

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Quote from Rose

Rose: I have to get a horse in this picture while it's still fresh in my mind. I don't know whether to paint Old Silver, the horse who brought the news to St. Olaf that the British had no intention of coming or Old Brisker, the horse who, because of a printing error on the ballot slips, was elected water commissioner for six months.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, Dorothy, I'm worried about you.
Dorothy: Oh, please, don't you start. I had a problem 15 years ago. That's a long time. I've learned a little something since then. A lot has happened. And I've lived with the temptations. [exits]
Blanche: Well, isn't that something? You think you know somebody, then you find out something like this. Hard to believe.
Rose: I'll say. To think Dorothy's lived with The Temptations. I've never even been to one of their concerts.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, there it is. Ma, what are you doing with my resume?
Sophia: Punching it up. How's this? "1946 - 1984: Took part in extensive anthropological research."
Dorothy: Why "anthropological research?"
Sophia: Because it's better than saying "married to a baboon for 38 years."

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Dorothy, I can't finish this picture.
Dorothy: Why not?
Rose: I can't paint a horse from memory.
Dorothy: What you need is a model.
Blanche: I know a place where you can see a horse. I know a place where you can see horses and lots of little men in silk pants with whips. Or you could go to the racetrack instead.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I'm afraid to go to the track by myself. You always meet a lot of lecherous guys out for a good time who think they can impress you by throwing their money around.
Blanche: Oh, damn! I wish I didn't have to go to work today.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: What the hell were you doing at the racetrack?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, come on, you're making too much of this. I haven't gambled in 15 years. And I didn't put down any bets for myself today, either. It was just nice to know that I could still pick a winner.
Sophia: This from a woman who's got a Dukakis bumper sticker covering up her Mondale bumper sticker?
Dorothy: Look, Ma, I admit that once I did have a small gambling problem.
S;A small problem? You bet against your own son's Little League team!
Dorothy: Ma, I had to. I knew that their star pitcher had after-school detention.
Sophia: You were his teacher, you gave him detention.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, will you get off my back? You don't have to worry about me. I had a nice day at the track, and that's that. And Pop did not have a problem.
Sophia: Dorothy, I spent too many years denying your father's addiction. He was a gambler to his dying day. In fact, his last words were, "10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank."

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Honey, why don't you ask Donald to look at Old Brisker? He knows a lot about art.
Donald: I'd be happy to. It's quite good. It's an interesting primitive. In fact, it makes me think of Grandma Moses.
Rose: She must have been pretty strong to do the work of a Clydesdale.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I call them Winter of St. Olaf, and Spring of St. Olaf, and Summer of St. Olaf.
Donald: Why haven't you painted the Fall of St. Olaf?
Rose: Because it hasn't happened yet. Although we came pretty close when new math came along.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, good night. Sleep tight. See you in the morning light. It's the best light to paint by, you know. Oh, I like this painting. And I'm getting better at it all the time. Pretty soon I'll be able to copy St. Olaf's most famous religious painting, The Last Pancake Breakfast.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Blanche! Honey, what's wrong? You're shaking.
Blanche: I have been humiliated and degraded.
Sophia: Many times. You just figured it out now?
Blanche: The evening started off wonderfully. Donald took me to a beautiful restaurant, and he ordered everything in French, which totally confused our waiter, Chip. Then he took me dancing, and he was a perfect gentleman.
Sophia: Get to the humiliation and degradation part.
Blanche: Then I suggested we go back to his place. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to freshen up. After I had removed all of my clothes I noticed his monogrammed velour bathrobe hanging there. Thinking only of his pleasure, I decided to slip into it. Oh, God, I looked so fetching. I could not wait for him to see me.
So I emerged, framed in the doorway, and slowly let the bathrobe slide from my perfect body. And you know what he said to me? "Put your clothes back on. I'm gonna take you home." How could I ever look him in the eye? Why, I'll never be able to go back to work again. Oh! "Put your clothes back on"? That's the first time anybody's ever said that to me. Well, without shining a flashlight in my face.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I think it's impossible to paint autumn in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: How come?
Rose: Maybe it's because of the horrible St. Olaf falling leaf story.
Dorothy: Please, Rose. If this is a story about a man named Leif, I don't want to hear it.
Rose: It's not that long-
Dorothy: No.
Rose: It has a surprise ending.
Dorothy: All right, Rose. Just the ending, but keep it short.
Rose: Splat.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy Zbornak, you're in big trouble.
Dorothy: What? What did I do?
Sophia: You lied to me, that's what you did. I was going through your purse and look at what I found. Betting slips. You went to the track again. How could you, Dorothy? I spent the best years of my life trying to give you a sense of moral responsibility.
Dorothy: Ma, what were you doing in my purse?
Sophia: Stealing.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, it's happening again. You're losing control.
Dorothy: Ma, I really didn't want that job anyway. I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.
Sophia: You know what you're gonna wind up with in your life? Nothing. Then what are you gonna do? Sponge off your kids? Move in with them? Have them take care of you? OK, bad example.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Sophia, why are you up?
Sophia: Same reason you're up.
Blanche: You're filled with anxiety?
Sophia: I'm old.
Blanche: I'm not old.
Sophia: Oh, forgive me. I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your forties.
Blanche: It's either that or a big rent raise.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I'm just so worried about Dorothy. I keep remembering how bad it was the last time she let this gambling thing take over her life. There was nothing I could do. That's when she hit bottom.
Rose: What happened?
Sophia: Because of her gambling debts, she had to borrow money from loan sharks, and she couldn't pay it back. She came to me crying because she was gonna lose her house. The only way we could get the money was with Sal's life insurance.
Rose: So you killed Sal?
Sophia: Of course not. By the way, what kind of policy do you have? Well, we cashed in the policies and paid the sharks off. But I didn't give Dorothy the money until she agreed to go to Gambler's Anonymous.
Rose: I can understand now why you're deeply upset.
Sophia: Thanks, you human speed bump. Sorry.
Both: We understand.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Dorothy, I lied to you, too. You could never have used that bank card. You don't have my personal identification number. And you'd never guess it in a thousand years.
Dorothy: Rose, honey, it's right here. You've written it on the card.
Rose: Well, that's because I have trouble guessing it, too.


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