Rose: Then there was the time Hans Erikson wanted to take an elk to the prom. The whole town was divided on that one.

Agent Bell: Well, I just got off the phone with Washington. I'm sorry, ladies, but the President would prefer to visit a more typical American family.
Sophia: Typical? We're typical. I'm the mother, and I have 2.3 children. You won't find a more typical family than that.

Sophia: Dorothy, why don't we have a pet?
Rose: Anybody want a cracker?
Sophia: Never mind.

Agent Bell: Good evening. Well, I guess you know why I'm here.
Rose: Sure. Nobody can leave after just one helping of flugelkaka.
Agent Bell: No, ma'am. And don't even kid about that.

Blanche: Well, Rose, what's all this?
Rose: Oh, I want the President to feel welcome, so I'm making him a sign. It's gonna say "Welcome, President Bush. We are pleased to have you in our home. We're really thrilled that you're visiting Miami. We hope you have a good time and a safe trip home, and good luck on running the country."
Dorothy: It's catchy, Rose.

Dorothy: Boy, when the President gets here, am I gonna let him have it. What do you think I should hit him with first? Inadequate funding for education? The plight of the hungry and homeless? Pollution of the air and the water? I mean, the problems are endless.
Rose: Oh, Dorothy, you can't talk like that to the President.
Dorothy: Watch me.
Rose: Well, sure, there are problems, but can't we just pray they'll go away by themselves?
Sophia: You haven't.

Dorothy: Stanley, get out.
Stan: Wait. Please. I just took a bath on those Daniel Ortega buttons that say "four more years."
All: Out!
Stan: You know, I can never tell when you ladies are kidding.
All: Out! Out!
Stan: Good one.
Dorothy: Stan, I want you gone before the President gets here.
Stan: Come on, Dorothy. I'm a big fan. Maybe he'd like to meet me. I almost voted for him. I would've if I could have registered. You know those things go straight to the IRS?
Dorothy: So could I.
Stan: See you.

Dorothy: Oh, what did I ever see in that man?
Sophia: Don't blame yourself. You were young, you were carefree. You were just one of those girls who marries the first guy who knocks her up.

Agent Bell: So let's see if I've got this straight. You and this Max Weinstock were...
Sophia: Getting it on.
Agent Bell: Thank you.
Sophia: If you write that down, make it three times a night. He'd like that. And send me a copy.

Agent Bell: Well, thank you, Mrs. Petrillo. By the way, what happened to Mr. Weinstock?
Sophia: We found out we weren't compatible. Thank God it was before we had kids.