Patrick Vaughn: Excuse me, am I in the right place?
Blanche: Oh, my. Are you ever.
Patrick Vaughn: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Patrick Vaughn. [kisses Dorothy's hand]
Dorothy: Rose. Look, Rose, it's- It's- He's- I'm- We- Ugh!
Sophia: This is my daughter Dorothy. She's an English teacher.

Patrick Vaughn: And you are?
Sophia: Linda Ronstadt. I'm doing The Pirates Of Penzance across town.

Stage Manager: Blanche Devereaux?
Blanche: Just a moment.
[Blanche removes her gown to reveal a tight red sweater practically bursting with her "enhanced" breasts]
Dorothy: Oh, my God. My rear tires have less pressure in them.

Blanche: Who's the flower for?
Rose: Oh, it's for Patrick. I thought I'd give him a rose for good luck since it's opening night.
Blanche: I'll give it to him.
Rose: Why should you give it to him?
Blanche: Well, haven't you heard that old theatrical saying?
Rose: No.
Blanche: Never accept a rose from somebody named Rose on opening night.

Blanche: Hello, Patrick. I got you a little something in honor of opening night.
Patrick Vaughn: Thank you, Blanche. That's very thoughtful.
Rose: Well, I'd have gotten you a rose too, if I my mother had named me Violet.

Dorothy: What are you two doing? Can't you see Patrick is in the middle of an exquisite performance.
Blanche: You have no idea just how many performances he has been giving these last two weeks.
Dorothy: What?
Rose: He's been seeing me and Blanche and Phyllis behind our backs.
Dorothy: [to Patrick] You're a dirt bag!

Patrick Vaughn: Ladies, I can explain. But now is not the time.
Blanche: I will tell you what time it is. Time for a hanging. Someone get me a rope.
Rose: And a tree from props.
Patrick Vaughn: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me speak. All right. I admit, I'm guilty. But what's the big deal? We all had a good time. All of you who had a good time, put your hands back up.
[All the female actors, except for the girls, raise the hands. Ed, the stage manager, raises his hand]
Patrick Vaughn: Ed, you damn liar. Put your hand back down. So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody.
Blanche: You, sir, are nothing but a low-down, carpetbagging scallywag. And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again.
Dorothy: And another thing- You'll never what?
Blanche: Don't ask.

Dorothy: I feel like such a fool.
Blanche: Oh, me too.
Rose: Don't worry, girls. The audience had a real good time. And they got their money back on top of it.
Dorothy: That's not what we're talking about, you titmouse. We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.
Rose: Oh, you're right. I feel so common, so cheap. So used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche?
Blanche: Rose, just for that, I'm gonna flush the toilet tonight while you're taking a shower.

Dorothy: You know, it's all our own fault. We behaved like a bunch of teenage groupies.
Blanche: The first good-Iooking, sexy, debonair, charming man that rolls into town, and we got on him quicker than mustard on a tie at a county fair.
Dorothy: It's hard to stay mad at the guy. I don't know. There was something special about him. He made me feel beautiful.
Blanche: He made me feel young.
Rose: He made me feel smart.
Dorothy: God, what an actor.

Dorothy: What are you doing here?
Sophia: I had an hour to kill. I thought I'd swing by here and meet Mr. Hollywood.
Dorothy: You can't stay.
Sophia: Why? Are you embarrassed by your own mother?
Dorothy: When she's dressed like Vasco da Gama, yes.