Blanche: You are not gonna believe this. My sister Charmaine just called me.
Dorothy: I didn't think the two of you were speaking.
Blanche: Well, we're not.
Rose: Then how did you know it was her on the other end of the line?
Dorothy: Rose, you're bringing down the curve for the whole country.

Rose: Did Charmaine leave already?
Blanche: Oh, Rose, honey, what am I gonna do? After all these years of jealousy and malice we finally have a chance to be friends. But now I've got to read her book. Why, if it's a piece of junk I'll have to tell her, and that'll just kill her.
Rose: Well, look on the bright side. It could be good.
Blanche: I was looking on the bright side.

Magda: Too many books. Too many contradictory opinions next to each other. This leads to anarchy.
Dorothy: These books represent different ideas.
Magda: Dorothy, what's going to happen now there is freedom? The people in my country are going to read all these books and be confused. No, the way things were, we knew what to do. The choices were easy. When there is one road, no one gets lost.
Rose: Not necessarily. Back in St. Olaf, there-
Dorothy: Rose. Is this a story about getting lost?
Rose: Uh-huh.
Dorothy: Well, don't tell us. Show us.

Dorothy: Ma. Ma, I don't know how much more of Magda I can stand.
Sophia: We're so close to the Bermuda Triangle, it'd be a shame for her not to see it.

Dorothy: You know, you really can't blame Magda. It's all this Communist ideology that's been pumped into her.
Sophia: I hate Communism.
Dorothy: Of course you hate Communism, Ma. It's because you were raised a Fascist.

Blanche: You had no right to use me, to rip off my life for profit.
Charmaine: I wish my bank account was as big as your ego. Now, you listen, and you listen good. My book is based on my life.
Blanche: Oh, that book just drips Blanche Devereaux. Only the names have been changed to protect the satisfied.
Charmaine: You think you're the only one who wakes up to smiles and roses?
Blanche: Well, how about that inscription? How I'd inspired you more than I'll ever know?
Charmaine: Oh, I write the same thing to everybody. Just like signing yearbooks, remember? You always wrote the same thing. "You were the first."
Blanche: Wrote it, hell. I had a stamp made.

Rose: There! I'm done.
Dorothy: Boy, it sure took you a long time to spell "Welcome Magda."
Rose: Oh, I thought that'd be too boring. So instead I decided to depict Magda's escape from Czechoslovakia.
Dorothy: But isn't that barbed wire?
Rose: Isn't it amazing what you can do with icing?
Dorothy: Gee, you made that pack of dogs look very realistic. But Rose, the revolution in Czechoslovakia was a peaceful one. Nobody was chased by a pack of dogs.
Sophia: [licking the icing] But they're good dogs, Rose.

Dorothy: What a day.
Blanche: What's the matter? Where's Magda?
Dorothy: You mean Flora the Red Menace?
Sophia: She's helping Rose unload the car.
Blanche: Is something wrong, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I don't want to talk about it.
Sophia: Magda is driving us crazy. All she does is complain about how awful things are for an American. Everywhere we went, something bothered her. We showed her the mall-
Dorothy: She said we live in a plastic society with no soul. This was after I bought her Beef Sticks and spreadable cheese from Hickory Farms.

Magda: Rose, everywhere you look the rich take advantage of the poor. How can you deny there are inequities in this society?
Rose: Well, sure there are inequities, but at least we treat everybody the same.

Rose: Oh, Blanche, I see you've started Charmaine's book. How is it?
Blanche: Honey, I don't know if I can get through it.
Dorothy: You mean it's not good?
Blanche: Oh, it's awful! This book is totally unbelievable. The heroine, Vixen St. James, is this shallow southern belle who's vain, self-centered, and a pushover for any man that crosses her path.
Dorothy: Yeah, she's right. That is unbelievable.