Dorothy: Oh, where is Dr. Warren? This is insane. Where do doctors go in the middle of the night?
Blanche: Well, their call rooms are up on the 12th floor, but you have to take the back stairs to get to 'em. Unless you have that special key for the main elevator. I'm guessin'.

Blanche: You know who my fantasy parents were?
Dorothy: Who, Blanche, Masters and Johnson?
Blanche: Not my fantasy neighbors. No, my fantasy mother was the Queen of England, and then she died and I became queen. And all the men were very happy for all the obvious reasons. And I looked cute on the money. 'Course, all the women were unhappy, but screw 'em. I was queen.

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm so sorry about everything. I'm sorry I asked you to move that sofa. I'm sorry that you're sick.
I swear I'll never ask you to move furniture again. Oh, God, I'm just so happy you're safe.
Sophia: Speaking of God, I made a little promise that if He got me through this operation alive, I would tell you the truth about how I got this hernia.
Dorothy: You mean, not from lifting up the sofa?
Sophia: Oh, please, it's wicker. A few of us gals thought it would be funny to put Gladys' VW on the lawn while she was having her feet sanded. And that's why I'm on this gurney, Pussycat.
Dorothy: Ma, it's OK. As long as I found you. Rose, push "Morgue."

Dorothy: Blanche, it is the middle of the night. My mother is missing. I am scared to death and I'm trying to find a doctor. You'll have to excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.

Rose: Blanche, leave her alone. I'm sure she feels bad enough.
Dorothy: Thank you, Rose. Honey, do we have any orange juice?
Rose: Sure. Would you like me to pour you a glass or have Sophia come in and bring you the refrigerator?

Rose: Sophia, where've you been?
Blanche: What are you doin' on this elevator?
Sophia: I'm into easy listening. How the hell should I know?
Dorothy: What difference does it make? We found you.
Rose: Oh, what a day this has been. I found my father. You found your mother.
Blanche: And I found you can't give a sponge bath without the patient's consent.

Dorothy: Rose, have you seen my mother?
Rose: Dad, these are my roommates Dorothy and Blanche.
Dorothy: Very pleased to meet you.
Blanche: Hello there.
Martin: Rose has told me all about you two. I know it's a little late for me to start acting like a father, but do you think you two could stop hitting my little girl with a newspaper?
Blanche: We'll try.
Dorothy: We'll try.

Rose: Ever since I've been a candy striper, I've been giving all my patients the traditional St. Olaf fun pack. Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap and sock puppets. I like to pretend one of 'em's you and one of 'em's Dorothy. [as Blanche] Hi, Dorothy. How you feel? [as Dorothy] Oh, woe is me. I can't get a date. Nobody asks me out. Woe is me. Woe- [Dorothy hits Rose with a newspaper] Bad puppet.

Sophia: Pussycat, I moved that safe to the attic like you asked me to. Can I have food now?

Dorothy: Ma, you know I'm not giving you food, because you're not supposed to eat or drink anything the day of an operation.
Sophia: I'm not going to any hospital.
Rose: Sophia, I'm working on the admitting desk. Does that make it less scary?
Sophia: Oh, sure. In that case I'll get a boob job, too.