Man: The Dow was down again today.
Woman: I told my broker to short all my high-tech holdings and put it into triple-A bonds and precious metals.
Sophia: Hey, you sound like doctors. Do you think you can find out why I was left on this elevator?
Woman: You were just left here? What's your name?
Sophia: Read it yourself, right here on the bracelet.
Woman: "Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People."
Sophia: Petrillo's the name. Sophia Petrillo. Can you get me outta here?
Woman: OK, OK. Who is your insurance company?
Sophia: Lloyd's of London. What do I look like? I'm on Medicare. [the man and woman step back]
Man: We'll tell the desk. They'll send somebody.

Dorothy: Look, you'll have to excuse us. Rose, maybe you can help. We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.
Rose: Maybe she's lost.
Martin: Attagirl, Rose. You finally got one.
Dorothy: Very nice meeting, you sir.
Blanche: Bye-bye.
Rose: Thanks, Dad.

Blanche: Have you found her?
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. About a half-hour ago. But now I've hidden her again, so you can find her.

Martin: No, Rose. The Lord Almighty. All these years of wondering and-and hurting. But now, by His bringing us together, I believe He's forgiven me.
Rose: My mother, did you love her?
Martin: Yes, very, very much. But then the abbot found out.
Rose: Bud Abbott?
Martin: Sure'd be nice if you got one of these right. No, Rose, the abbot. He told me I had to choose between the church and your mother. I chose God. I think I have His forgiveness. Now, more than anything, I'd like your forgiveness.
Rose: I don't know. Lime Jell-O with pears or fresh lemon meringue pie?
Martin: Pie.
Rose: We don't have any. We never did. Now we're even.

Blanche: Hi, Rose. How's it going?
Rose: [as a sock puppet] Hi, Blanche.
Blanche: God, I hate morning people.

Blanche: Well, honey, put your mind at ease. The operation today is just a minor procedure. And by the way, you have nothing to be guilty about.
Dorothy: What? I don't feel guilty.
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, good God. You were cleaning out the garage and you asked Sophia to move a sofa?
Dorothy: Don't start with me.
Blanche: I mean, she is 84 years old, and you're asking her to do the work of two men?
Dorothy: It was wicker, all right?
Blanche: And the La-Z-Boy?

Dorothy: Right now it's very minor. But honey, left untreated, it could be very serious. Honey, a trip to the hospital is the best thing for you.
Sophia: You think I'm stupid? This scam has "Shady Pines" written all over it.

Dorothy: Ma, be serious.
Sophia: Come on, we're all adults here. I see the way you've been eyeing my bedroom. "Wouldn't a wet bar go great where the old lady is?"
Dorothy: Ma, that's ridiculous. Why would I take you to Shady Pines when you have a hernia?
Sophia: You took me there after I had a stroke.

Martin: You remind me of someone I used to know a long time ago. I was cloistered in a small monastery in St. Olaf, Minnesota.
Rose: Where every spring the ducks return?
Martin: If we remember to throw out the corn. You- You know it?
Rose: Well, I know it very well. I was born and raised in St. Olaf.
Martin: Well, this is extraordinary. Did you know an Ingrid Kerclavaner?
Rose: You knew Ingrid?
Martin: She must have been 19. She worked in the kitchen in the monastery. Talked, talked, talked, talked. That's all she ever did. We were a silent order, so that was very refreshing.
Rose: I suppose it was. Shortly after that, Ingrid died in childbirth.
Martin: You know the story?
Rose: Oh, yes. Late one night a basket was left at the local orphanage containing hickory smoked cheese, spicy beefsticks, a baby and some kind of crackers that didn't go with anything. Eventually, the Lindstroms took the baby. And the beefsticks, 'cause that was the deal. They named the baby Rose.
Martin: Did you know her, Rose Lindstrom?
Rose: Know her? You're looking at her.
Martin: The Lord certainly works in mysterious ways. What do you know about your father?
Rose: There was a rumor that he was a clown with Ringling Brothers, but I never believed it. Just seemed too much to hope for. Did you know him, too? Oh, I've asked and I've asked, and I've never found anybody who could tell me about him.
Martin: Rose, I don't quite know how to put this, but I'm your father.
Rose: My father?

Sophia: I can't believe it. This really is the hospital.
Dorothy: Ma, you have a hernia. Where'd you think I was taking you, Trampoline Village?
Sophia: I told you, I thought you were taking me to Shady Pines. I was beginning to look forward to the chicken a la king.
Dorothy: Ma, you really think I was trying to deceive you?
Sophia: Well, I was, but I don't anymore. Now I think you're trying to kill me.
Dorothy: Ma, I know you're frightened, but do you think I would be pushing for this operation if I believed there was any risk?
Sophia: I don't know, my little beneficiary.