Rose: Now, you come into the kitchen with me, honey. I'll get you some pickles and ice cream.
Mary: Oh, no, thanks. I don't have any strange cravings yet.
Rose: Strange?

Blanche: I cannot believe her father could be so mean.
Sophia: Not half as mean as his dog Samson. Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?
Dorothy: No. What?
Sophia: He ate her. Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all.
Dorothy: Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.
Sophia: The woman's in denial. I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth, and no one has seen her since.

Dorothy: Listen, this is the most difficult thing for a father to accept.
Mary: What, that I'm a grown woman?
Dorothy: But you're not a grown woman. Just because the plumbing's in doesn't mean the house is ready to occupy.
Mary: I think I know what you're getting at.
Dorothy: Good, because I really didn't make that up myself. I heard it on This Old House.

Mary: Well, I tried talking to my father, but he just went all crazy when I told him.
Dorothy: That's what fathers do - they yell and they barbecue. That's what separates them from the apes.
Mary: Well, what did your father do when he found out you were pregnant?
Dorothy: He chased Stan for three blocks with a salami.
Mary: How come?
Dorothy: They don't leave marks.

Sophia: It's not up to us. It's up to her father.
Dorothy: Oh, I tried talking to him. He won't answer his phone calls or the messages that I leave in his mailbox.
Sophia: First he lets his dog eat Ida, now this. I'm mad as hell! Let's go over there.
Dorothy: No, Ma, Ma, I don't think you should go. This is a very sensitive situation, and it's gonna take a little patience and understanding.
Sophia: That's perfect. All I have is a little patience and understanding.
Dorothy: All right, all right. But when we get there, remember we are trying to make peace. So whatever you do, don't bring up Ida.
Sophia: I won't - as long as the dog doesn't.

Sophia: Doggy, I don't know if you noticed, I'm all skin and bones. Oh, I shouldn't say "bones." Now where was I?

Blanche: [answering phone] Hello? Merrill! My God! Where are you? Jail? Well, they only allow you one phone call, and you called me? What? I'm wearing a green silk pant suit. Underneath? Well-
Dorothy: Oh, give me that!

Fred: And, Dorothy, thanks for all your help. Maybe we can get together soon and you can tell me all about that St. Olaf. Sounds like a good place to raise a daughter.
Dorothy: ... I was desperate!

Sophia: Listen to this. "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronzed body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love."
Dorothy: Ma, who wrote that?!
Sophia: Merrill Kellogg.
Dorothy: Merrill Kellogg. Who's he?
Sophia: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.

Dorothy: This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.
Rose: How are you gonna explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia: Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
Blanche: Morning, girls.
Sophia: Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter.