Dorothy: I am drained of what little holiday spirit I had.
Blanche: That's too bad, because we still have to shop for presents for each other.
Dorothy: Wait a minute. Listen, I've been giving this a lot of thought. None of us wants to go shopping in this terrible heat, so why don't we just put names into a hat, and then we just have to pick out a gift for the one person whose name we pick?
Sophia: There's only one problem with your plan, pussycat. One of us is gonna get the gift from Rose.
Blanche: Dorothy, she's right. And you know how hard it is pretending to like Rose's gifts. Uh-uh. Forget it. No way.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, now, Blanche, don't be so childish. We each stand an equal chance of having our Christmas ruined.

Rose: [humming "Jingle Bells"]
Dorothy: Rose, I have to tell you about Christmas. It is too hot to shop, the stores are mobbed, and there are only two days left. So we've decided to draw names out of a hat. And that way, each of us only has to buy one gift.
Rose: But, Dorothy, I love shopping, and I love giving gifts. And besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they gonna be anyway?
Dorothy: The Oak Ridge Boys', Rose. Our names!

Rose: You know, I've been thinking.
Blanche: Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.

Dorothy: OK, then let's do it. Come on, now, look. Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick. And it doesn't matter who picks you, because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.
Blanche: OK. OK, I buy for Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, yes!
Rose: Oh Boy, Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.
Sophia: Go ahead, Dorothy, you go.
Dorothy: OK, I buy for Ma.
Sophia: Yes! Ha ha!
Rose: This really was a good idea. This is really fun.
Blanche: Oh, shut up, Rose.
Rose: Is it my turn?
Dorothy: Yeah.
Rose: OK. I buy for Rose.
Blanche: Oh, thank you, God!
Dorothy: No, no, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.
Rose: Oh, thank goodness. I'm so hard to shop for.

Rose: I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel.

Sophia: Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world. What kind of gift is dental floss?
Rose: Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
Sophia: Here, go floss yourself. This stinks, after the swell gift I sent him?
Blanche: What was it?
Sophia: A catalogue item.
Blanche: L.L. Bean?
Sophia: Victoria's Secret.

Rose: Who's for some fresh-baked Christmas cookies?
Dorothy: Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells?
Rose: I couldn't find a Christmas cookie-cutter, so I used the Fourth of July cookie-cutters instead.
Sophia: I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag?

Rose: Well, I'm due at church in about half an hour. They're starting to serve Christmas dinner at one o'clock. I better get ready.
Dorothy: Hey, Rose. Rose, could you use some extra help?
Rose: We could use all the help we can get.
Dorothy: Then I'm going with you.
Blanche: Hey, count me in. Since I didn't get a gift I have to bury out in the backyard, I'm feeling all Christmassy too.

Reverend Avery: All right, volunteers, stand by. I'm opening the doors. Welcome. Welcome, everybody. Merry Christmas.
Blanche: I just never thought there'd be children.
Rose: I know. And what is Santa Claus doing here?
Blanche: Oh, they pay these poor, out-of-work guys 10, 15 bucks to stand on street corners ringing their bells for charitable contributions. A lot of 'em can't afford the price of a meal.
Stan: Hello there.
Dorothy: Hello, Santa Claus.
Stan: Dorothy it's me, Stanley.

Dorothy: Stan, what are you doing here? What happened with the research and development deal?
Stan: Ah, that was just me trying to get some extra cash to tide me through the holidays.
Dorothy: You were gonna cheat us?
Stan: Oh, sure, if you wanna label everything.
Dorothy: Stan, how could you?
Stan: What did you want me to tell you, Dorothy, that I was broke, that I miscalculated the public taste? I thought I was gonna go through the roof with my plastic reindeer poop.
Dorothy: That's what happens when you aim too high.
Stan: And then I figured, with the drought and the danger of fires, the one novelty item that would really take off this season is a little Santa wearing sunglasses, driving a fire engine. So I put every last cent I had into that hunch, and I ordered 12 gross from my supplier in Germany. Everything is getting out of East Berlin except my fire engines.