Sophia: I forgot, I put them there for safekeeping.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I could just kiss you.
Sophia: Uh, not until we locate a toothbrush, okay?

Blanche: Well, hello, Tiffany. It's such a pleasure to meet you. I want you to know that I thought those pictures of you in that sleazy girlie magazine were so tastefully done. By the way, was that a real English bobby spanking you there in front of Big Ben?

Blanche: Dorothy. Your mother and Rose are dead weight. Let's cut them loose before they drag us down.
Dorothy: Blanche, you expect me to betray one of my dearest friends, not to mention my own mother, just to win a few extra dollars?
Blanche: Yes.
Dorothy: Okay, I'll do it.

Sophia: You're dumping me and Rose for those two yutzes?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, believe me, it's for the best. If we split up, we double our chances of going home with something.
Rose: Cut the bull. You don't want us 'cause you think we're too stupid.
Stage Manager: Thirty seconds to air, take your places, please.
Dorothy: Don't be mad, Ma.
Sophia: Get bent. We're gonna cream you.
Rose: Yeah.
Sophia: We're gonna maul you.
Rose: Yeah.
Sophia: We're gonna beat you into the ground.
Rose: Yeah.
Sophia: Okay, I'll give you Rose and $50 for your dumbest Kaplan Brother.

Sophia: So, Dorothy, how does it feel to have a big fat zero?
Dorothy: We'll catch up!
Sophia: I wasn't talking about your score, I was talking about your partner.

Guy Corbin: Now, green team, you have 15 seconds to grab as much money as you can. Who's going to grab today?
Dorothy: I'm going to grab today, Guy.
Guy Corbin: Wonderful. Now, Dorothy, you ought to make quite a haul with those meathooks.

Guy Corbin: All right, but first, let's see what you didn't pick. Behind window one, brand new living room furniture. Retail price for this magnificent prize, $12,000. But that's not what you picked.
Dorothy: Thanks for pointing that out.
Guy Corbin: You're welcome, Dorothy. Let's see what's behind window two. It's a brand new car. Yes, it's that beautiful sports car you've always dreamed of. Retail price, $23,000. Now, Dorothy, Blanche, Willard and Fred, it's time to see what you did pick. Are you ready?
Blanche: We're ready. Yes, yes.
Guy Corbin: Because have I got something for you a brand new electric skillet!
Blanche: A what?
Guy Corbin: An electric skillet that's from Fry Quick. It not only fries, it boils, it bakes, it simmers...
Dorothy: It stinks!

Blanche: Thank goodness we're home. That's the worst trip I've ever been on.
Rose: Blanche, how can you say that?
Dorothy: How can she say that? We lost our luggage, we slept in a hotel lobby, our purses were stolen...
Sophia: We won zippo on the game show.
Rose: But we still have our friendship. We made up on the plane...
Dorothy: There was nothing else to do. It was either that or watch Three Amigos with the headset.

Blanche: Well, I am gonna forget all about this while soaking in a nice warm tub.
Rose: Me, too.
Blanche: Rose, we only have one tub.
Rose: I get the deep end.