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‘Foreign Exchange’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Foreign Exchange

424. Foreign Exchange

Aired May 6, 1989

On the 100th episode of The Golden Girls, two of Sophia's oldest friends visit and announce that their daughter and Dorothy may have been switched at birth. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose join a dance class.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Dorothy, what'd they say about the blood test?
Dorothy: Oh, we didn't wait around for the results. I don't need a blood test to tell me who my mother is. A mother is someone who raises you and loves you and is always there for you. I don't need any more proof than that.
Sophia: Me neither. I raised her, and I was the one who got her through that awkward period. The 50 toughest years of my life.

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Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Do you remember the first day you went to school?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: I do. You looked so adorable in that pink and white polka-dot dress. I loved that dress. Even after you outgrew it, it was tucked away in an upstairs closet for years.
Dorothy: You put it away for sentimental reasons?
Sophia: No, your brother Phil hid it there. He used to like to wear it when he visited the firehouse. Anyway, we got to the school and I walked you to your classroom, and as I turned to go you started to cry, "Mommy! Mommy! I want Mommy." But the teacher told me to go, so I did, and I left you there screaming, crying, with the tears pouring down your face.
Dorothy: I guess all kids go through that the first day of school.
Sophia: No, you were the only one. It took a good half-hour to calm you down, but that didn't last long.
Dorothy: Oh. What happened?
Sophia: Every time the teacher turned her back, little Debbie Tanza did something she shouldn't. Of course, her mother was the same way every time her father turned his back. The woman was a real tramp.
Dorothy: Yeah. But, uh, you digress.
Sophia: Right. So, there's Debbie putting gum in your hair, hiding your lunch, stealing your toys when no one was looking. When I come to pick you up, I figure you'll say you never wanna go to school again. But what do you tell me? You love it. You made a new friend named Debbie.
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell does this have to do with it? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How did you know what happened? I mean, if the teacher didn't see Debbie-
Sophia: I saw. I stood at the window and watched you for four hours, in case you needed me.
Dorothy: You didn't?
Sophia: No big deal. Any real mother would do that for her kid.
Lab Technician: Mrs. Petrillo? I have the result of your test.
Sophia: Thanks. [tears the results in half] Let's roll.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose, please. I do not need a lecture. I am a klutz. I can accept that.
Rose: I guess it's no big thing. You're just awkward when it comes to your body.
Blanche: Say what?
Rose: You have no coordination. Obviously the stories about all your romantic escapades have been greatly exaggerated.
Blanche: Just what is that supposed to mean?
Rose: Blanche, if you can't do a simple dance, how do you expect me to believe that story about you and the Flying Fanelli Brothers?
Blanche: That was all true. To this day I get flushed every time I pass a junglegym.
Rose: Oh, come on, Blanche. That story is no truer than the one you told about you and Buzz in the lunar module.
Blanche: Oh, that does it. Rose, I would never lie about the US Space Program!

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called dirty-dancing?
Dorothy: Well, of course, Blanche. They did it in that movie.
Rose: What movie?
Dorothy: Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty-dancing course down at Lawson's dance studio. What do you say, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, no. I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis. I am not interested.
Sophia: And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, give me a seven-letter word which means: "lonely, middle-aged woman desperate to meet men."
Dorothy: Oh, is that a clue on your crossword puzzle?
Sophia: No, I'm getting you a personalized license plate for your car.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Don't worry. They won't be any trouble. They'll all stay in my room.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma. Three people in one bed? What'll the Boscos say?
Sophia: If you throw in a goat, they'll say, "This is just like home."

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: Here. I wanna know what you think of my pasta pesto. It's for the Boscos. They'll be here any minute.
Dorothy: Ma, this is awful.
Sophia: I'm also boiling the crud off the sink stop. Try the other pot.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Tell me, how did the class go?
Blanche: Oh, not so bad, really, although it was harder than I'd expected, but I'm sure that in time I'll be able to master the technique and absorb the subtleties.
Rose: She stunk. But the teacher said I was a natural.
Dorothy: Let me get this straight. Blanche couldn't get the hang of dirty-dancing but you could?
Blanche: Dorothy, now do you see why I'm so embarrassed? Can you imagine a dance with movements just like making love, and I can't do it?
Dorothy: Relax, Blanche. Maybe standing up is what's throwing you.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, let me introduce my friends. This is Rose and Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, what a charming old world couple. Welcome to Miami.
Philomena: Questa mi sembra una donna di strada.
Dominic: What did she say? Er, she says she wants to thank you for your gracious welcome.
Sophia: Oh, my Italian must really be rusty. I could swear she asked if you were a streetwalker.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, that's disgusting. Can't you find a better place to clip your toenails?
Sophia: Don't call me Ma. Call me Sophia like my other friends.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, I am very upset, so please stop teasing me.
Sophia: Dorothy, I've never told this to anyone before. The day I left the hospital with you, I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Dorothy: Because you suspected I wasn't your daughter?
Sophia: No, because I was in labor for 38 hours. And the doctor bought his obstetric tools from a restaurant supply store. Now, stop talking crazy and go to bed.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: [coughs] Dorothy, you got a cough drop?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: A hard candy?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: A Tic Tac?
Dorothy: Does it say Kmart on the back of my nightgown?
Sophia: As a matter of fact, it does, you cheapskate.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: You know, Ma, I remember when I was a little girl...
Sophia: Oh, God.
Dorothy: I used to have these terrible nightmares - you know, monsters in the closet - and you'd always let me sleep in your room. You remember, Ma? And I remember how you and Pop would get me to stop crying. You'd put your arms around me and kiss me and say: "As long as you're in my arms, everything's gonna be OK." Ma, that's what I need now. A parent to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be OK.
Dominic: Don't worry, baby. Everything is gonna be molto bene.
Dorothy: [screams] What the hell is going on here?
Dominic: I heard your voice in the hallway. I wanted to see why my bambina was up so late.
Dorothy: Don't call me your bambina.
Philomena: Dominic, you wake the bambina!
Dorothy: Stop saying that!
Dominic: Don't raise your voice at your mama. You know, you're not too old for me to take you across my knee.
Dorothy: You lay a finger on me, your teeth will be back in Sicily before you are.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, you have nothing to worry about.
Dorothy: Blanche, of course I do. I am confronting the possibility that the woman I have lived with and known and loved for my entire life may not even be my mother.
Blanche: But, honey, that's exactly the point. What's the difference if she did or didn't give birth to you? You two really know each other and you really love each other. A lot more than most mommas and their children ever do. Nothing that has happened or will happen can ever change that.
[Sophia and Gina walk in speaking Italian]
Blanche: Of course, I could be wrong.

Quote from Dorothy

Dr. Watkins: Excuse me. Would you like a cup of coffee?
Dorothy: Oh, no, thank you.
Dr. Watkins: The vending machine gave me two by mistake. Hospitals. Nothing ever works the way it's supposed to.
Dorothy: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just because a hospital vending machine screws up a lousy cup of coffee doesn't mean the hospital did anything wrong. Oh, sure, a mistake like getting two babies mixed up makes the headlines. But the point is, statistics back me up. Hospitals are remarkably efficient institutions. I mean, seriously. How often does a hospital mix up two babies? Have you ever heard of such a thing? Well, have you?
Dr. Watkins: Are you here for the methadone program?
Dorothy: I'm sorry. I'm here for my mother.
Dr. Watkins: Surgery?
Dorothy: No. Blood test. You?
Dr. Watkins: I have someone going into surgery.
Dorothy: I can understand why you'd be a little nervous. You know, no matter how many times you have to go through something like this, I guess you're never really prepared for it. Look at me. My hands are shaking. I'm sweating. My head is spinning. I wish I could be only a little nervous.
P.A.: Dr. Watkins to OR. Dr. Watkins to OR.
Dr. Watkins: Well, that's me. I have to run.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what took you so long? All they did was draw a little blood.
Sophia: At my age, that's like wildcat-drilling for oil.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I'm really looking forward to dance class today.
Blanche: I can see that. You're wearing your heat-seeking stretch pants.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Blanche, you're not dressed for class.
Blanche: That's because I'm not going.
Rose: Why not?
Blanche: Why not? I will tell you why not. Because I cannot flounce around a dance floor like some cheap trashy slut in heat. Lord knows, I've tried.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, I hope everything works OK for Gina.
Sophia: Why shouldn't it? She's got a man waiting for her back home who owns a goat. In Sicily that makes you a yuppie.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You know, Rose, all that dancing has just done wonders for me. I feel so energized. I feel so alive. I feel like working this body up into a manic frenzy.
Rose: Well, great. We still have time to get to class.
Blanche: Oh, who cares about class? The circus is in town. I say we go look up the Flying Fanelli Brothers.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: How about a cup of tea, Ma? Hm?
Sophia: Good idea, pussycat.
Dorothy: Ma, you never thought I wasn't your daughter, did you?
Sophia: Of course not.
Dorothy: Because if you wanna check the results-
Sophia: Oh, don't talk crazy. Go in and make the tea. I'll be right in.
Dorothy: [returning] What have you got there?
Sophia: Nothing.
Dorothy: Ma, when you said you forgot your keys and you went back into the waiting room, you got the results of the test, didn't you?
Sophia: What if I did?
Dorothy: Let me see the lab results, Ma.
Sophia: Mrs. Petrillo to you.
Dorothy: Then I'm not your daughter.
Sophia: Got you, Dorothy! It was just a shopping list. You have absolutely no sense of humor. Just like your uncle Vito. At least, I think he was your uncle Vito. Kidding. Just kidding.


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