Sophia: You know who I think about going to bed with-
Dorothy: I don't want to know.
Sophia: No, really-
Dorothy: Believe me, I don't want to know.
Sophia: Okay, fine.
Dorothy: But I am confused. I mean, just when I think I'm over the man, something happens. Am I ever gonna stop having feelings for him?
Sophia: Luther Vandross. Ooh, baby.

Blanche: I'm sorry, Sophia. I know how you go on about shoes.
Dorothy: Honey, we both know what's gonna happen. I take you down to Shimshack's, we walk in the door, and all the salesmen disappear. I have to go to the back of the store and bribe them to come out and help you.
Sophia: Please. Those people love me.
Dorothy: For $10, they love you. Without a tip, you're just another old lady wearing men's socks and a bad attitude.

Blanche: Thank God we're finished.
Dorothy: I never want to go through that again.
Blanche: At least we got the shoes.
Sophia: And the balloon. And you didn't have to pay extra.
Dorothy: I just had to swear that I would never take you back again.
Sophia: Shimshack makes you swear that every year.
Dorothy: In blood?

Rose: Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, our research department will find that heartless Shylock. And if they don't, I will. I'm not gonna rest, I'm not gonna sleep, I'm not gonna eat until I track that scum down.
Dorothy: Rose, I'm the scum. Stan and I inherited that building. I am Uncle Angelo's landlord.
Rose: Oh, Dorothy, I forgot. I feel awful. Just awful. How could I have been so stupid?
Dorothy: No, it's okay.
Rose: I missed the family angle. He's your uncle. "Niece makes uncle live in roach motel."

Sophia: My God, Dorothy, did you see all the reporters out there?
Dorothy: I know. This is becoming a media circus.
Sophia: And they really hate you. "The Big Bug Lady," they call you. You deserve a better nickname. I don't know, something like, "Big Mean Landlady," or "Big Mean Dorothy." Something with "big mean."

Rose: Dorothy, isn't this something? You've become what we in the news business call a "hot story."
Dorothy: And you've become what we call in the revenge business "next."

Stan: Dorothy, I want you to meet our attorney, Tracy. Tracy, this is Dorothy.
Tracy: Hi-dee-ho!
Dorothy: Hi-dee-ho. Stanley, forgive me, but I don't think I'm willing to trust my future to this girl knowing her only qualification is that you were able to pick her up in a bar.
Stan: I did not pick her up.
Dorothy: Struck out?
Stan: Boy, do you know me, or what?

Stan: Look, this kind of thinking is really quite sexist. Just because a woman is attractive and is not uncomfortable about her sexuality, does not mean she can't be bright, well informed, and a hell of a lawyer.
Dorothy: Uh, where did you go to law school?
Tracy: A whole bunch of places.

Dorothy: Uh, Your Honor, this is all a very simple mistake. Stan and I are ready to get an exterminator to take care of those bugs. I don't know how this thing got so far. But believe me, we are not criminals.
Judge: I want you both to get an idea of what it's like for all the people that you collect rent from. So I'm going to sentence both of you to live in apartment until such time as it is brought up to code. [gavel banging]
Dorothy: Wait a minute. You want me to live with him in the same apartment?
Judge: That's right.
Dorothy: But there are bugs there and they'll think Stan is their leader.

Rose: Good luck, Dorothy. I'll miss you. I love you.
Dorothy: Someday, sweetheart, I'm gonna get out of this hellhole and I'm going to come looking for you.
Rose: Don't spend all your time in prison hating me, Dorothy. Learn a trade.