Vic: Ooooh! This is just like season three, episode seven of Dynasty!
Beverly: You see it, too!
Vic: After spending too many waking hours with the Carringtons, I can see that Jane Bales is making a power play of spectacular proportions.
Beverly: Not if I have anything to say about it. [gasps] Ooh, my life really is just like Dynasty!
Vic: They have class and wealth you'll never know, but y-you are having a minor skirmish with another lady.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom vowed to defend her empire, it was time for me to hit Dave Kim with some bad news.
Adam: Yo, yo! DK in the place to be! I was thinking, you know what would be way cooler than us living together? Not living together.
Dave Kim: What?
Adam: Clearly, we both agree that being roommates would be ideal. But then again, not being roommates... even more ideal!
Dave Kim: Where is this coming from?
Adam: Me.
Dave Kim: I know who did this.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Dave Kim swore off our friendship, my mom swore to protect the Ottoman Empire from Jane Bales. Beverly: [on the phone] Murray Goldberg's room, please. Well, I don't care if he put on the Do Not Disturb. I have important dynastic business. Oh, that doesn't meet your threshold for an emergency? Well, how about this? Screw you, Alan from Marriott!

Virginia Kremp: Beverly, hi. It's me.
Beverly: Oh. Ginzy. Finally, a face with the lines of wisdom. Jane Bales is trying to stage a coup of the Ottoman Empire!
Virginia Kremp: We're both having dramatic days. I thought I misplaced my keys, but Charles took the wagon out for a surprise wash.
Beverly: Thank you for that humdrum tale of drivel.
Virginia Kremp: Yeah.
Beverly: It puts in stark contrast how big my problems are.
Virginia Kremp: Well, I actually just came over here to thank you for your very generous contribution to my children's literacy charity.
Beverly: [chuckles] That sounds way wrong.
Virginia Kremp: I was surprised, too. Yeah, but, no, it's right there... "Donation by the King and Queen of the Ottoman Empire."
Beverly: Jane Bales. [walks off]
Virginia Kremp: Uh, the gala is this weekend.
Beverly: Oh, I'll be there.

Beverly: What the hell is this?
Jane Bales: Hello, Beverly. I'm sprucing things up a bit.
Vic: This is called a divan. All the Parisian boudoirs are resplendent with them.
Beverly: Are you choosing sides, Vic?
Vic: I'm merely exploring every contingency in case there's an unexpected winner in your battle with this wiry and determined dragon-lady.
Beverly: Vic, look in my eyes and know that the terror you see is real. Now get that thing out of my store!
Jane Bales: Vic, don't touch a thing! The incredibly tasteful divan stays.
Beverly: Vic, we sell affordable sofas, not overstuffed fainting couches plopped on by dehydrated shrews in pantsuits!

Jane Bales: Vic, no!
Beverly: Vic, yes!
Vic: Aah! I can't do this anymore! I'm supposed to be in Tucson, damn it!
Beverly: I'm gonna go have a little talk with Mike and clear this whole thing up.
Jane Bales: Okay. You go do that, Beverly. Just know, I can give him one thing that you never can.
Beverly: Please don't say "this body."
Jane Bales: This body.

Beverly: Mike, we need to talk about Jane and all the changes she's making.
Formica Mike: I'm sorry. I know it's a lot, but what can I say? She kisses this face.
Beverly: I know, she's very brave, but if we could just address one thing...
Formica Mike: I tell you, she's the perfect woman. If she could only cook.
Beverly: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jane can't cook?
Formica Mike: I've been trying to force this down for the past 20 minutes. I don't even know what it is.
Beverly: Is that corn or peppermint?
Formica Mike: Please don't tell Jane I said any of this.
Beverly: Don't worry. It'll be our little secret.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom had a recipe for how to win back the Ottoman Empire. Step one... Trick Mike into coming over.
Formica Mike: So, you turn it this way, it's "locked," and you turn it this way, and it's "unlocked."
Beverly: I am just no good with this mechanical stuff. [laughs]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Step two... Give him a dash of something Jane Bales couldn't.
Formica Mike: [sniffs] Ooh! What is that delightful aroma?
Beverly: Oh, I just threw some stuff in a pot. Would you like a nibble?
Formica Mike: Well, I-I don't... I don't know...
Beverly: Just some ooey, gooey yumminess I like to call "The Mexican Bathtub."
Formica Mike: Oh, my stars.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Finally, pour on the temptation until Mike couldn't say no.
Beverly: Like what you see, Formica Michael?
Formica Mike: Oh, I do. I really do.
Beverly: Then sit.
Formica Mike: You know, I really shouldn't. Because Janey's making dinner. Something with fish necks.
Beverly: Well, it'd be a shame for all this golden deliciousness to go to waste.
Formica Mike: Oh, what could it hurt to have one bite? Janey doesn't have to know.
Beverly: No one does. And while you're here, let's talk about the store.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so began the strangest affair of all time.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I faced a roommate nightmare, my mom's Dynasty fantasy was about to play out in reality.
Virginia Kremp: Beverly, you made it.
Beverly: I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Virginia Kremp: Really? Because you missed it for the last nine years.