Adult Adam: [v.o.] Again, my dad came up short. But then, instead of following everyone else's advice, he followed his heart.
Murray: [claps] Naps.
Vic: Naps? What are you talking about?
Murray: When Barry and Erica went off to college, I missed them terribly.
Vic: I didn't know that, Murray.
Murray: Yeah. And whenever I felt really bad, I'd go take a nap in one of their rooms.
Vic: Really?
Murray: I don't know if it was picturing them or the memories, but when I woke up, felt great.

Barry: Scenario! Spokes Driscoll has ventured into the lucrative world of professional trampolining.
Adam: I'm not doing this.
Barry: It combines the acrobatics of men's gymnastics with the whimsy of jumping on a bed.
Adam: Just get on with it.
Barry: You want to buy the Spring-atron 5000 from me at the price of the much crappier Spring-atron 4000. Go!
Adam: May I please...
Barry: Never. Now try to get me to honor a competitor's coupon for 99% off.
Adam: It doesn't seem likely, but...
Barry: Never! Now ask to see the manager.
Adam: Are you the...
Barry: Never!
Adam: You know what? Keep the trampoline. I'm leaving.
Barry: We value your business.

Adam: The love of lasagna's the one thing Garfield gets right. Hit me, Helen.
Helen: Gimme a sec. It's the last piece on the tray, and she's fighting me. Oh, yeah.
Adam: Um, if it's no trouble, I'd rather have a nice, steamy piece from that new tray.
Helen: And I'd rather have 10 toes that all point in the same direction. God hates us both, I guess.
Adam: Good luck with your podiatry issues.

Beverly: Schmoopie, go up and get a new piece of lasagna that's as delicious as you are.
Adam: Ma, I just don't want to bother Helen. She's having a bad day. And life. [bleep] Ow! The little, crusty barbs don't soften in the mouth!
Barry: I know the Heimlich!
Adam: No, Barry. I'm not choking.
Brea: No, I wouldn't...
Adam: No. Barry...
Barry: You can expect some broken ribs!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was February 24th, 1980-something, and my dad and Vic were having a deep, meaningful conversation.
Vic: What do you got between your bread today, man?
Murray: I don't care.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And that scintillating back-and-forth was pretty much their lunch every day...
Formica Mike: Hey, guys!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] ...until Formica Mike joined the team.
Formica Mike: What do you say you guys put down those sad sammies, we head over to China Garden?
Vic: Well, I've been trying to get Murray over there ever since they opened, but, but he says it's too far.
Formica Mike: It's three blocks away!
Murray: We're saying the same thing.
Formica Mike: Aw, come on, Mur. My periodontist says it's great. They got pandas all over the wall! I'll pull the Fleetwood around.
Vic: Let's eat, Mur.
Murray: Yeah, I'd like to, but, unfortunately, I pulled the footrest out on this La-Z-Boy.
Vic: But you clearly haven't.
Murray: [pulls footrest] My mistake.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] But it turns out Vic and Formica Mike shared more than moo shu.
Formica Mike: Oh! You missed it, Mur. Look at the length of this egg roll. Is this an elephant's trunk or what?
Murray: Yeah, yeah, yeah, big food. Where's Vic?
Formica Mike: Gave him the rest of the day off. He needed some Vic time.
Murray: Vic time? Why?
Formica Mike: Well, it's that daughter of his.
Murray: Little Vicky?
Formica Mike: Asha.
Murray: What is she? About 7 now?
Formica Mike: Seventeen.
Murray: You didn't let me finish. Teen.
Formica Mike: Yeah, she's going off to college, and he's just... He's having a hard time knowing that his, his little girl's leaving forever.
Murray: I'm just surprised that you're telling me and not Vic.
Formica Mike: I think this is less about my relationship with Vic and more about yours. Look, Pete Rose could hit a double with this thing! Boom!

Murray: Well, you could've told me. Not that nonsense about the third nipple, but, you know, about birds. I love fried chicken.
Bill Lewis: I've tried, but the moment I start sharing is the moment you stop caring.
Murray: Not anymore. From now on, I'm gonna be there for my friend.
Bill Lewis: Music to my ears. Tomorrow, I'm having an elective procedure on my shoulder. [Murray gets up] Where you going?
Murray: I'm gonna go be there for my friend Vic. I just told you.

Murray: Hey, Vic. Any, uh, emotional stuff you want to get off your chest about your kid or is everything okay and I can be on my way?
Vic: What's happening now?
Murray: I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk. You know, you and me talking. But if... Either/or. You talk, not talk. It's good with me.
Formica Mike: Hey, Vic. What do you say we go over to Mahmoud's for some fattoush? I don't know what it is, but they say it's the best in the city.
Vic: Oh, wonderful. The culinary trip continues.
Formica Mike: Great! Mur, what do you say?
Murray: Nah, I'm good. I'm good. You guys seem to have it down. Have a good time.
Formica Mike: It's your loss, because the falafel, they're as big as volleyballs! You don't dip them in the hummus. You spike 'em! Come on, let's go!

Murray: What does it take to be a good friend?
Geoff: Well, there's more than one thing.
Murray: This is becoming a hassle.
Geoff: The first step is listening.
Murray: All right. Hit me with your first step!
Geoff: I just did, but here's a technique that might also help. Uh, echoing.
Murray: Echoing?
Geoff: See? You're a natural.
Murray: Why are you making this so difficult?
Geoff: Pretend we're best bros.
Murray: That's a big ask, but let's do it.
Geoff: Share something that troubles you.
Murray: Nope.
Geoff: Off to a slow start. But here's another sure-fire tip to make someone know you care: give the perfect gift.
Murray: Listening and giving gifts. What are we married?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my dad was buying into Geoff's advice, my new powers of being impossibly difficult had made me unstoppable.
Woman: I'm sorry. I was next.
Adam: Congratulations. You're still next. [to the clerk] I picked my movie from the "Staff Picks" section. Tell Brad P. from Allentown to get his eyes and ears checked, 'cause this movie sucks!