Jean Calabasas: Okay, I'll jump right in, or we'll never get home. Show me your moves.
Naked Rob: I have pretty severe arthritis in my ankles.
Barry: It's hilarious.
Naked Rob: Uh, is this gonna be high-octane?
Barry: The highest.
Jean Calabasas: How are your singing voices?
Matt: Not good. I have something called performance burps.
Naked Rob: I produce too much saliva. Will that be an issue?

Andy: I sing like an angel, but, unfortunately, I was just diagnosed with a rare condition called Dog-Hair Lung.
Jean Calabasas: I guess that's not nothing.
Barry: Damn right, it isn't. 'Cause Jean here is gonna transform us from a ragtag group with an alarming amount of physical and emotional ailments into a teen sound sensation.
Jean Calabasas: Why don't we start with some scales?
Barry: No need! I've already taken the liberty of writing an international mega-jam with choreography.
Jean Calabasas: It's called "Age Appropriate"?
Barry: There's a slim chance some of our fans might think we're slightly older than our smokin'-hot teenage personas. So I decided to steer into the skid, crafting a song that both rocks bodies and answers questions.

Erica: Adam, what the hell?!
Adam: Oh, right! The dishwasher. Thanks for bringing it in.
Erica: Who are all these people?
Randall: I'm Randall. This is Domino...
Domino: Hi!
Randall: Juniper... Roxie...
Erica: I don't want to know all these people. And, Adam, I didn't give you permission to throw a party.
Adam: Oh, this isn't mine.
Beverly: Who wants sangria? The peaches are from Carlos's bodega! Gracias, Carlos! We are gonna have such a good time being downtown girls.
Erica: Oh, no.

Barry: Ow! What was that?
Andy: Look, it's a bunch of kids smashing fruit like we used to!
Barry: Attention, random youths! Did you get express written consent to play our game?
Teenage Boy: What are you saying, old dude?
Barry: "Old dude"? How dare you? We're young like you. Maybe younger.
Teenage Boy: Judging from your use of the phrase "How dare you?" you probably have a bank account.
Barry: [laughs] Shows what you know. I don't.
Matt: Bar, you don't have a bank account? Not even a simple checking?
Andy: Gotta build credit, bro.
Barry: Never!

Barry: And I challenge our peers here to a game of smashball.
Teenage Boy: Bring it on, George Burns.
Barry: I assume you mean teenage George Burns, so thank you.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so began the most embarrassing game of smashball the JTP ever played. They whiffed bad. They swallowed their pride... and probably some seeds. And in a game that they created, a game with no real scoring... or means to determine a winner, JTP clearly lost.
Andy: Ugh, I think I have a grape in my ear. Also, how long has Naked Rob been in the bathroom? I mean, at what point do we check?
Matt: I'll go get some Nuprin from my car.
Barry: No pills! Our bodies heal themselves naturally.
Matt: It's more about pain management.
Barry: No, the JTP never give up.
Naked Rob: To quote the sloppily edited-for-TV version of Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this ship."
Barry: No, we are not! If anything, we're too young for this [bleep]... Ow!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March th, -something...
My newly married sister was headed out for her honeymoon.
Erica: Okay, I'm off to the Poconos with my husband. Whoa, "husband." That sounds so weird. Am I saying it right? "Hoos-bond"?
Dave Kim: The Poconos? I thought that place was made up.
Adam: Nah, it's a place where young people who have no jobs or money go on their honeymoon. "Hey, we're married now. There's a tree."

Beverly: Adam, exciting news. I made us matching bed coats for our thrilling week of fun together.
Adam: Mom, I realize Dad's out of town, but it's actually my spring break.
Beverly: I know that, silly. Welcome to South Madre Island. [laughs] I bought a Frisbee and a couple of inflatable flamingos.
Dave Kim: Hey, just like MTV... [quietly to Adam] but not at all. I'm gonna go.
Erica: Me, too. Have fun in your spring-break bed coats.
Adam: Wait! Actually, Mom? Erica asked me to watch her apartment while she's away, and I graciously accepted.
Beverly: But that's... [softer] downtown, where the buildings and busy people are.
Adam: I would have loved to stay and braid your hair, but brother duty calls. [grabs keys]
Erica: You made a good choice.
Adam: Ultimately, I didn't have one.

Barry: Do you have pogo sticks?
Employee: This is a Shade Shack.
Barry: Dammit! What else ya got that can rekindle my best friends' youthful spirits?
Employee: Have you seen these? They're... red.

John Calabasas: So, dudes, for $99.99, I can turn you into stars. Or detail your cars. Either way.
Barry: You two, leave.
John Calabasas: Whoa! There's a man who knows what he wants. What do you want?
Barry: Your search is over. I got your next boy band right here.
John Calabasas: Excellent! I would love to meet this child that you are obscuring behind your strange body.
Barry: The child is me. I and my similarly shaped amigos will become the next Menudo. But, you know, in English.

Jean Calabasas: May I inquire as to how young a teen you may be?
Barry: What's with the Barbara Walters interview?
John Calabasas: Apologies. This is my younger brother, Jean Calabasas. And before you ask, different fathers.
Jean Calabasas: He wasn't gonna ask.
John Calabasas: Well, then, here's an answer to another question you have not yet posed. Yes, you're a star, baby!
Barry: I am?
Jean Calabasas: He is?
John Calabasas: I awkwardly just said it, didn't I? I took one look at you and your anonymous bros, and I can tell you, your boy band is gonna be a success.
Barry: I knew coming to the mall today would solve all my problems!