Erica: Look, choosing a major made me do some soul-searching, and I realized that choosing a career just for the money is never gonna make me happy.
Beverly: Of course.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And that's when she saw it.
Beverly: What the actual [bleep]?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was my mom's cookbook. Her life's highest achievement. Her proudest triumph. Now only 99 cents.
Beverly: Uh, shelving emergency! This life-changing, full-priced masterwork was in with the garbage books.
Trigg: That's not a mistake. All the out-of-print books go in there.
Beverly: Out of print?

Beverly: Mr. Whitby! We had a contract!
Mr. Whitby: Mrs. Goldberg, I was expecting you. I see you've discovered that your book is gently discounted.
Beverly: Our contract clearly stated that you would print 10,000 copies.
Mr. Whitby: You must have missed the addendum which states that I can limit the publishing run any time I want. And I want now.
Beverly: I don't remember any addendum. [Mr. Whitby holds up a contract] How did you have that right there?
Mr. Whitby: It's the standard Whitby and Sons contract. I use it with all my authors. Except for Mario Puzo. Let's just say that guy writes what he knows.
Beverly: There's no way I would have signed this. I'm suing. And unfortunately for you, I just found out that my daughter is going to be an attorney-at-law.
Mr. Whitby: Hmm. Well, I just found out that my son is gonna be recovering-at-rehab.
Beverly: I'll see you in court.
Mr. Whitby: Technically, any contract dispute would be settled in arbitration.
Beverly: I'll see you in arbitration. Damn it, that doesn't sound as scary.
Mr. Whitby: But it is. I've been in several, with my wives, my children, and my children's wives, and my wives' new wives. I bring people together.

Naked Rob: And check out my arms like sequoias!
Andy: Whoa!
Barry: Yes!

Adam: Dr. Katman.
Dr. Katman: Adam. Perfect timing. Come learn about hydrophobic compounds.
Adam: Is "No, thanks" okay?
Dr. Katman: I'm making a homemade lava lamp. We combine acid-base reactions demonstrating density for a totally groovy result!

Adam: Look, I just have some questions about this fitness powder. Is it safe?
Dr. Katman: Uh, these are mostly natural ingredients. It won't hurt you, but it won't help, either.
Adam: But my brother swears by this stuff, and he does seem to have even more unpleasant energy than usual.
Dr. Katman: That's just the placebo effect.
Adam: And that is...
Dr. Katman: We studied this.
Adam: And I learned it. But imagine a world where I didn't.
Dr. Katman: The human brain becomes convinced that the powder works, so, in a way, it does. [chuckles]
Adam: So someone could drink this garbage and feel energized, even though nothing is actually happening?
Dr. Katman: Isn't the natural world amazing?
Adam: This isn't gonna spark my interest in science, if that's what you're going for.
Dr. Katman: I'll get ya one day.
Adam: Don't count on it.
Dr. Katman: At least take home the lava lamp.
Adam: Oh, wow. When you make it yourself, it kinda stinks.
Dr. Katman: Enjoy.

Beverly: I can't just let Whitby erase my entire life achievement. And neither can you.
Erica: And yet I can. I gotta go. I'm volunteering at the campus legal aid foundation, where I'll be helping real people in need.
Geoff: Babe, you do realize your mom's just gonna hound you until you do this, right?
Erica: Not this time. I was firm, direct, and established clear boundaries. She gets it.
[cut to:]
Erica: Oh, my God! Why don't you get it?
Beverly: Hi, I'm a disadvantaged woman in need of free legal advice.
Erica: No! I can't have these people meet my insane mother.
Beverly: Well, you're the one that said I needed to get a real lawyer.

Becca: Hi, there. Need some help?
Beverly: Yes. So much. I'm a famous cookbook author who was wrongfully abused by my publisher.
Becca: I'm sorry, we only take cases of people at or below the poverty line.
Beverly: That's me. I used to have everything, but now I don't even have a daughter who loves me.
Erica: It's okay, Becca. Let me handle this strange, insane lady.
Beverly: So you'll take my case?
Erica: Fine. But just please leave.
Beverly: Yes! The system works! And don't worry, you will be handsomely compensated... in smoochies. [kissing sounds] You're my little baby.
Erica: Okay. [kissing sounds continue] Mom!

Milton: Albert, your grandson lost a Band-Aid in the pool. It's unsanitary!
Pops: Milton, you leave my grandson alone.
Milton: I'm checking the boy for cuts and scrapes.
Pops: Take one step closer, and you're gonna need that Band-Aid.
Milton: What'd you say?
Pops: You heard me. Unless you're hungry for a knuckle sandwich. I make it special, with a side of bam and an extra helping of kapow.
Milton: Geez! You try to start a friendly conversation. [walks off]
Adam: You were gonna get into an old-man fight for no reason! [chuckles] This is amazing!

Adam: But the main takeaway here is the amount of energy my grandfather has now.
Dr. Katman: Adam, the placebo effect can only push the body so far. If your grandfather overdoes it, he could really injure himself.
Adam: So, as an example, if he were to jump off a high-dive...
Dr. Katman: Ohh!
Adam: ...that might end badly?
Dr. Katman: Scientifically speaking, oh, yeah.
Adam: Good to know. [starts backing away] Good... to... know. [runs off]

Beverly: Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Erica: Again, not a lawyer, but my advice would be to move on with your life, like I'm gonna do with mine.
Beverly: Move on? This cookbook is the first thing I've ever accomplished all on my own. Not as a wife, not as a mom, but for me. And now I'm supposed to just let that crooked publisher take it all away?
Erica: It's not that simple.
Beverly: It is to me. Erica, did I ever tell you why I think I could have been a lawyer?
Erica: Because you like to argue with everyone about everything?
Beverly: Because I would fight with every fiber of my being for the things I care about. My family. My friends. What's right. I thought maybe you got some of that from me. I guess I was wrong.