Geoffrey: Master William, I've never seen you behave so coldly. I like it.
Will: Well, G, a man has got to stand his ground.
Geoffrey: A man also has to work to pay his bills. Otherwise, I'd be out parasailing with these. [holds up a very large pair of tighty whiteys]

Philip: This is an outrage.
Will: Look, Uncle Phil, I swear that dent was in that car before I hit that mailbox!
Philip: What dent?
Will: Exactly. So, what were you saying?
Philip: Those newsletter bozos put up a big "Honk, if you hate Hilary" billboard right at the corner of Sunset and Doheny.
Will: Oh, damn. That mean they took down the Naughty Nightie girl.

Carlton: Please don't go. Look, I apologize for performing the Heimlich maneuver on you. I really thought you were choking. [over loudspeaker] And now, to create a more festive mood The Peacock is proud to present music from Hawaii. The entertainment charge has already been added into your check. [luau music plays] [over loudspeaker] Also, we are pleased to announce that the proceeds from our new pay toilets have enabled us to buy this brand new metal detector. Remember, less flatware theft means lower prices for you, our valued consumer.

Jazz: Man, they ought to draw a chalk outline around this place.
Carlton: Hey, Jazz. So, what can I get you? A sandwich? A T-shirt? Peacock-a-cola? I made that one up myself.
Jazz: It shows. Actually, I just came by to see Will.
Carlton: Mr. Smith is no longer employed here.
Jazz: Looks like he took everybody with him too.
Carlton: They didn't leave because of Will. They left because of me. I mean, they just need time to get acclimated to some of my new policies.
Jazz: Phillipe told me you cut the teeth marks off the pickles and reuse them.

Carlton: Look, Jazz, I'm in real trouble. My professor's coming down to check on business. You know a lot of people. Maybe you can bring some of them by.
Jazz: What's in it for me?
Carlton: Well... You know how your pigeons are always getting sick all the time?
Jazz: My babies.
Carlton: I'll pay their vet bill for the rest of the year.
Jazz: Even Oliver? He has a heart murmur.
Carlton: Even Oliver.
Jazz: Be back in an hour.

Will: [over loudspeaker] Okay, okay. Everybody, listen up. Listen up! As acting manager while Jackie is away, I'd like to announce a few changes. Now, due to the numerous requests, the no tipping policy has been waived. Oh, hello. Don't forget to pick up your applications for the new and exclusive stockroom clerk.
Woman: So you're in charge now, huh, Will?
Will: Oh, sure, you're right. And you know what they say. Behind every successful man, there's a woman. But if you wanted to switch positions, I'm with that too, know what I mean

Will: Oh, hey. Professor Milligan. How are you doing? Don't tell me. Don't tell me. You're coming down here to swear me in as the new manager. You're making the right choice because as you can see, this place is bumping.
Professor Milligan: Maybe so, but sales aren't. Take a look. You throw a good party, Will, but nobody's spending. I'm afraid you're just not management material.
Will: Wait. Hey, hey. Professor Mil. Hey, listen, listen. You're not gonna let a silly little thing like profits stand in the way of my promotion, are you?
Professor Milligan: I'm sorry, I've already made my decision. I'm bringing in one of the most conscientious freshmen business students for the job. Very meticulous. Bakes me fresh muffins every day.
Will: No. No. No, he's not... [holds out hand a low height]
Professor Milligan: Uh-huh.
Will: [chuckles like Carlton]
Professor Milligan: Uh-huh.
Will: [dances like Carlton]
Professor Milligan: Uh-huh.

Carlton: You know, Dad, the best part is, this could be my ticket to Princeton. Professor Milligan says that Ivy League schools look pretty darn favorably on management experience.
Will: How do they feel about guys who still depend on the crossing guard?
Carlton: Hey, that's a dangerous intersection, mister.

Will: Hey, Professor Kemp, Professor Meyers.
Professor Kemp: Hey, Will, how are the subs today?
Will: Oh, well, you know, sort of like your lectures. Long, stale and full of baloney. [laughs] I'm stupid. I'm stupid. I just failed, didn't I? Look, check it out, here's a sub on the house.
Professor Kemp: Oh, thank you.
Will: All right. Instant A.

Will: What up, Dex? Hey, look, man. I saw Donna the other night down at the quad and I told her breaking up with you was the biggest mistake she ever made.
Dex: So she'll see me again?
Will: Oh, no, man, she hates your guts. Hey, but look, there's always more fish in the sea. I should know. They call me Aquaman.