Fred: I don't want you to worry, baby. It's your wedding, so you two should get exactly what you want. Besides, it's the father of the bride who throws the wedding so I'll set Will's uncle straight.
Will: Right.
Lisa: Oh, thank you, Daddy. [kisses Fred's cheek]
Fred: Aww.
Will: Yeah, thank you, Daddy. [kisses Fred's cheek] Uh, I was raised in France. You know, we...

Will: Enough of the small talk. Look, Fred has something that he wants to say to you. Right? You know, about the garden?
Fred: Phil, your garden is beautiful. What are these, perennials?
Will: Those are flowers, Fred. You know, like a bride carries at a wedding.
Philip: Oh, that reminds me, Will, I was at the club, so I put down a deposit on the rose garden. We're all set.
Will: [to Fred] You know, now would be as good a time as any. Just dive right in here. Ladies and gentlemen, Fred.

Fred: That's mighty generous of you, Phil, but as the father of the bride I'll take care of the wedding. [pats Uncle Phil on the shoulder]
Philip: [laughs] I understand where you're coming from, Fred, but I have to invite several hundred guests, I think it's only fair that I shoulder the financial responsibility. [pats Fred on the shoulder]
Fred: Well, I appreciate that, Phil, [pats Uncle Phil] but I've been talking with the kids and it seems to me that they have their hearts set on something smaller.
Will: You go, Fred.
Fred: Like family and friends.
Will: Go Fred.
Fred: In the garden.
Will: Go Fred.
Fred: In Cleveland.
Will: Whoa, Fred.

Hilary: What was I thinking wearing this outfit? I look like a call girl.
Carlton: A very expensive call girl.
Hilary: Thanks. Oh, but this just doesn't feel right.
Carlton: Well, Hilary, you can't leave. There's something I haven't told you. You could go to prison for this.
Hilary: Oh, that's ridiculous, it isn't that short.
Carlton: Hilary, grow up, we're dealing with the United States government here. Now hike up that skirt, sister. Move it. [scoffs] I'm waiting.
Carlton: Excuse me, when will Agent Dailey be with us?
Agent Dailey: I'm Agent Dailey.
Hilary: Well, this is a serious waste of a Wonderbra.

Carlton: And for a talk show hostess a home gymnasium is a justifiable business expense.
Agent Dailey: What about you, Mr. Banks, do you work out?
Carlton: Uh... Well, I try to keep fit.
Agent Dailey: Looks to me like you succeeded.
Carlton: Ooh.
Agent Dailey: I could use something cold to drink. Can I get you anything?
Carlton: Nothing for me.
Hilary: Well, I'll have a- [Agent Dailey closes the door]
Carlton: What an odd duck. She's just not focusing.
Hilary: Oh, she's focusing, all right, on your chest. I mean, as unbelievable and disgusting as it sounds, she wants you.
Carlton: That's ridiculous.

Agent Dailey: You know, this audit is a lot more complicated than I expected. Perhaps we should continue this tomorrow.
Hilary: Oh, but tomorrow's Sunday. I'm getting a chemical peel.
Agent Dailey: Oh, can't miss that. Mr. Banks and I can handle this without you.
Carlton: We can?
Agent Dailey: Yes. I wanna just get together and crunch some numbers.

Philip: What is going on?
Fred: Where's Mr. Moneybags?
Philip: What do you mean by disturbing my family this early?
Fred: You call 5:30 early? Hell, the day is half gone. And so is my little girl.
Philip: What are you talking about?
Fred: Here.
Philip: Oh, my God.
Ashley: What is it?
Philip: Will and Lisa have run off to Las Vegas. They've eloped.
Geoffrey: Well, good night.

Carlton: Forget it, Hilary. There's no way I want to cheapen myself to satisfy the urges of that she-devil down at the IRS.
Hilary: Excuse me, but aren't you the guy who ran his picture in the personals with the word "please" written under it.
Carlton: Hey, I met a nice gal through that ad. In some cultures it's considered a real turn-on for a woman to have a sloped forehead.

Ashley: Did you guys hear? Will and Lisa eloped.
Carlton: Really?
Hilary: Yeah, yeah. Carlton, if you don't do this I'm gonna tell Daddy about Carlton Co.
Carlton: Fine. Next time you wanna sit up all night and girl talk, don't call me.
Ashley: [sighs] I'm definitely the Marilyn Munster of this family.

Philip: You know, this is all your fault, Fred. If you'd listened to those kids, they wouldn't have run off.
Fred: Me? You're the one that wanted them to get married in a damn sand trap.
Philip: The Bel-Air country club does not happen to be a...