Will: All right, look. Step one: You gotta learn how to take somebody's heart, right? In the old days, they used to call it selling woof tickets.
Ashley: She won't buy anything from me, Will.
Will: No, no, no. See, a woof ticket is like a threat. See, right? It's all in your attitude. It's like: Say, man! Hey! You don't get out of my face, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard your grandpa's gonna get a lump.
Ashley: I will hit you so hard, it will bruise your great-grandfather badly.
Will: That would be great if you were rumbling Princess Di.
Will: But, no try it like this: Say, man! I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna land in another zip code!
Ashley: I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to land in another zip code! [smiles]
Will: Moving on.
Will: Look, the next step is full-scale psychological warfare, right? So you gotta act like you got this tick, right? Like the army did this experiment on you, right, that just went terribly wrong. Like: Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Mind your business.
Ashley: Okay. Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

Carlton: Now what's really going on?
Ashley: Paula Hoover's been beating me up so Will's gonna show me how to fight her after school tomorrow.
Carlton: You should be ashamed of yourself, Will. Violence only begets violence. Now that is not the way you deal with a bully. Now I have found that as long as you pay them promptly, they pretty much leave you alone.
Ashley: I have been, and she still wants to beat me up.
Will: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why she has to defend herself. Put your hands up-
Carlton: Not so. You and Paula must find a common ground. Remember, "We must never negotiate out of fear but we must never fear to negotiate." John F. Kennedy.
Will: But never forget, Mama Said Knock You Out. LL Cool J.

Will: Hey, look, don't feel bad, Aunt Viv. At least you have two normal daughters.
Hilary: [enters] I have been stabbed in the back. Is nothing sacred? Is there, like, no honor?
Vivian: Baby, what's the matter?
Hilary: Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.
Will: [scoffs] There is, like, no God, okay.
Vivian: And?
Hilary: Well, what do you mean, "And"? She expects me to take care of the rice they throw when they leave the church. Like I'm gonna learn how to cook just for her wedding.

Will: Ashley, what is wrong with you? Look, playing sick by putting a thermometer over a 100-watt light bulb is not the way to solve your problems. The key is a 60-watt light bulb.

Carlton: What the heck is going on here?
Will: Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says she was a Vanilla Ice fan. I kind of lost my head.
Carlton: You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

Francesca: I just don't see what's wrong with the dress.
Hilary: Francesca, remember the first day of junior high when you showed up in a reversible poncho? Who hid you under the bleachers?
Francesca: You did, Hilary.
Hilary: That's right, because I care about you. Remember freshman year? Do I need to bring up the culotte incident? [Francesca shakes her head] Then I think it's time we stopped the madness. Francesca, this dress, it's an abomination.
Francesca: What if we add a dickey?
Hilary: Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?
Francesca: Hilary, you haven't agreed with one thing I've picked for my wedding.
Hilary: Well, I agreed that you should wear white, and I think we all know that's a stretch.
Francesca: I guess you're right. So could you help me, please?
Hilary: Well, I guess I could come up with a few tips. Geoffrey, hit the lights.

Dr. Hoover: Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something.
Philip: Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
Will: Please, my humble brothers, please-
Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
Philip: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.
Dr. Hoover: Impressive. You must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Hilary: I don't believe it. I have never witnessed anything more humiliating in my life. Jilted at the altar. Other than crow's feet, that is the worst thing that can happen to a woman.
Vivian: Francesca was jilted?
Hilary: No, I was talking about me. All that hard work redesigning this dress, and that ingrate eloped. And to think I was gracious enough to let her invite her hayseed grandmother.

Carlton: Dad, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it's got to be said. What you did tonight was wrong.
Will: Word, I gotta agree with Carlton. Who said that?
Philip: I thought you said that's how you settled disputes in your old neighborhood.
Will: No, no, no. See, in my neighborhood we got this sacred code. It's like: My broski! Whatever you want to do broham, on the left or the right we can do that all night. But all that old yackety-yak, jawbone, you kicking in the middle, man you can stop that, 'cause I ain't down with that. You see what I'm saying?
Philip: No.
Will: Me, neither. That's why it's so sacred.

Philip: The point is, I was wrong. I lost control. Ashley, baby, in the future, I hope you'll do what I say and not what I did. Even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight. Really, really good... I was wrong. Sometimes, what feels good is wrong.
Will: [smiles] Yeah.
Philip: Everything that feels good is wrong. Everything. Do you understand me?
Ashley: Yes. Okay.