Will: [sings] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy. [talks in a Jamaican accent] Geoffrey, mon! Do the limbo with me.
Geoffrey: This is precisely what cannot happen when Lord Fowler arrives.
Will: Yo, G. What's my name? The Prince, right? I know how to deal with royalty. Don't worry. I'll be at the peak of Schweppervescence. Check it out. You be the English dude.
Geoffrey: Very well. Pleased to meet you, William.
Will: And I am honored to meet you, Lord Fowler.
[As Geoffrey shakes Will's hand, he is shocked by a buzzer]

Will: [Jamaican accent] Aunt Vivian. Beautiful American woman.
Vivian: [Jamaican accent] What you thinking you're up to, boy?
Will: [normal accent] All right. Check it out, Aunt Viv. Ziggy Marley's in concert next weekend and I was wondering, maybe I could use the car?
Vivian: Well, where's the concert going to be?
Will: Just around the corner.
Vivian: Where around the corner?
Will: Nevada.
Vivian: Forget it, baby.

Will: [Jamaican accent] Uncle Phil, mon! You are generous, fair-minded, and very sexy.
Philip: Will, you've already gotten your allowance.
Will: For that, I am very thankful, mon.
Vivian: He wants to drive to a Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.
Philip: That's an easy one. No.
Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. Why not?
Philip: Because every time you take that car to a concert, something happens to it.
Will: Like what?
Vivian: A mysterious dent, a broken taillight, a mural of Nia Peeples painted on the side.
Will: Look, I swear to you guys that was on the car when I got in it.

Philip: We're looking forward to taking you to dinner tonight.
Lord Fowler: Splendid. Dinner will be a perfect time for me to bring you all up to date on the new bills pending before Parliament. We've made some fascinating strides in maritime legislation. I'll go into greater details at dinner.
Ashley: Is tonight a school night?
Carlton: No. I already thought of that.

Lord Fowler: But the astounding thing about the Fisheries and Hatcheries Act of 1624 is hardly the bill itself, but rather its unique place in the entire 800-year history of maritime legislation. I'll go into greater detail at the restaurant.
Vivian: Does this restaurant have a bar?
Philip: If it doesn't, we'll build one.

Hilary: I can't believe Geoffrey has done this to us. This is going to be the longest night of our lives.
Carlton: The only thing that'll make it better is knowing Will has to sit through an opera.
Hilary: At this point, that's the only thing I have to cling to.
Ashley: Ooh, I don't feel so good.
Carlton: Don't even try it, Ashley. We're all in this together.

Lady Penelope: Oh, I thought the old buzzard would never leave. Will, got a smoke?
Will: Excuse me?
Lady Penelope: Cigarette. I've been dying for a cigarette all day.
Will: No, I don't have any cigarettes. I don't smoke and you shouldn't either. It's bad for you.
Lady Penelope: Oh, sod off, mother superior.
Will: Hey, hey, hey. Don't nobody call me a mother nothing. And what's up with you? Who are you, Dr. Jekyll and Patty Duke?
Lady Penelope: Will, don't be such a wanker. I only put on that innocent schoolgirl routine for the old man.
Will: Routine? You've been lying to the Lord?
Lady Penelope: Whenever we go to the city, I tell my father that I'm dying to go to the opera knowing full well he detests it. That way, I can hit the clubs, and I thought we'd go downtown to the Meat Hook.
Will: The Meat Hook? That's the roughest bar in L.A.
Lady Penelope: Super. That's what Lady Cicely told me. Let's go.

Will: Wait, wait. Baby, you ain't going nowhere. Geoffrey put me in charge of you. So you can just shake your royal booty on up them steps.
Lady Penelope: Will, you can't boss me around. You're not a nun.
Will: Whoa, hold on. See, now, that's where you made your mistake. See, I'm a plainclothes nun. Yeah, that's right. They call me Sister Sledge.
Lady Penelope: I hate you! You've just ruined my whole night! You've ruined everything! [storms off]
Will: Man, this babysitting thing is easy. [tires screech] Hey, Lady, come back with my car!

Lord Fowler: So that brings us up to 1907 which, in maritime law circles has come to be known as "The Year of the Trout."
Hilary: [wakes up] I saw that sweater first! Excuse me.
Geoffrey: Lord Fowler. Wasn't there quite a row in the House of Lords in 1912 when they repealed the Tuna Laws?
Lord Fowler: Oh, Geoffrey, that's a very long story. It all began in 1910.
Geoffrey: Sir, before you continue, would anyone care for anything?
Carlton: [to Ashley] A lobotomy.

Geoffrey: Master William. What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Lady Penelope at the opera?
Will: Opera? G, she's never seen an opera in her life. I'm telling you, she's been fronting the whole time.
Geoffrey: How dare you besmirch the reputation of a British Lady.
Will: G, the Lady is a tramp.
Will: She stole the car, she snuck out to the roughest bar in town and then she hooked up with a human Godzilla.
Geoffrey: Master William, are you telling me the truth?
Will: I swear on a stack of TV Guides.
Geoffrey: Master William, if we don't bring her home safe and sound Lord Fowler will never forgive me. Your uncle will lose faith in me. I'll never work again, and my career will be ruined.
Will: Can we try to keep this in perspective here, G? I'm not going to get to see Ziggy.