Lisa: I know that hand.
Will: Um... See, what had happened at first was... See, at first, I was at the game but then a sniper came. And... The coach had got shot.
Jana: I know someone who should be shot.
Lisa: Will, you lied to me.
Will: Wait. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Lisa. Now, come on, now, if this was two months ago by now I'd have been up in this party in my drawers doing the Tootsie Roll. But I'm not having any fun right now. And you know why? Because I feel guilty. That's right, I'm at Hoochie Phi Hoochie and I ain't having no fun. Now, that's progress.
Will: Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. What about you... Miss Nightie-Wearing, Popcorn-Popping, Dancing-To-Janet Well-At-Least-That's-What-I'm-Going Tell-my-Boyfriend, Little-Party-Freak?
Lisa: Will, I wanted to stay home, but my girls wanted to come out.
Jana: This ain't no trial, you don't have to explain to him.
Will: Hush, puppy.

Will: Oh, you know what, you're a regular old party girl now, Lisa. Why don't you break it down for her.
Ashley: Oh, okay. Well, let's see here, Ashley. Usually, at these parties there's a bunch of pathetic guys who have a good thing going on, but they think they're missing something so they go out scamming, looking for someone new.
Will: Think I can take it from here, Lis. Thanks for the ride home.
Lisa: Fine, Will, you do what you gotta do and you take your time, but we're gonna handle our business.

Will: Ashley! Listen, I am not playing with you, girl. What is your problem?
Ashley: It is none of your business, Will.
Will: Oh, I found my 15-year-old cousin locked in a bedroom with a linebacker and that ain't none of my business? [Uncle Phil walks up behind Ashley] Hey, man. Um, we was talking about this movie we had seen. Um, the movie we just came from... It was about a linebacker and a fraternity. You know, and Larry Fishburne played the dean.
Philip: Shut up, Will.
Will: Is that the family room?

Hilary: Carlton, Will's right. Daddy is way too strict.
Carlton: Well, he may be strict, but he's always fair.
Hilary: Yeah, when you're a son.
Carlton: Well, sons are different than daughters.
Will: In your case, just barely.
Carlton: If you're referring to the size of my endowment, it's almost as large as Hilary's.
Will: God, I hope you talking about money.

Will: Hey, what up, Ash?
Ashley: Hi, Will.
Will: [chuckles] You mean we've been out running all over this city looking for you and you've been up in here?
Ashley: Well, I did run away. But there are some weirdoes out there. You know something, this is all your fault.
Will: What is that, like, the theme of this family? "When in doubt, blame Will."

Lisa: I think people lie because the truth hurts.
Will: Yeah.
Lisa: Like, take this jacket you're wearing.
Will: What about this jacket?
Lisa: I love it.

Michel: Stop. Don't move. Let me see you caress the syrup with your tongue.
Will: Why don't you let me see you caress a Tic Tac with your tongue?
Michel: When you are angry, your whole face, it has such character.
Will: Well, look, why don't you get up out of my character while I'm eating.
Michel: I must rush to the easel while the hostility is still fresh.

Ashley: Dad, I hope he's not painting it tonight, a bunch of us are going ice skating.
Carlton: Yes, and I'm going to a Quayle in '96 Tupperware Party.

Will: Yo, man, how come I don't know about that party?
Bennie: You out of the mix, man. You're married.
Will: Whoa, wait a minute. Just because I got a girl, don't mean I can't hang with my boys.
Bennie: Hey, cool, but be warned, there's gonna be females up in there. Girls will be swarming like bees.
Will: Let them swarm on back because I got the queen.
Bennie: Okay, but once the party starts buzzing, you're gonna wish your stinger was free.
Will: All right, hold, hold, hold, hold on. The honey is always sweeter at the hive.
Bennie: Now, you know bees got to go from flower to flower.
Will: Oh, yes, sir, but once they start pollinating, then they... Happen... Uh... Look, can we just talk, please?
Bennie: Fine, fine. But if you ask me, man, I think you need to dump that ball and chain. Hey, Lisa. Look at how cute... You are a lucky man.

Lisa: Will, I'm serious. Our relationship is based on trust. I want you to have your own life.
Will: Yeah, you're right, you're right. I be tripping. I'm stupid.
Lisa: So, what are you guys gonna do?
Will: Uh... We... Uh, basketball. Yeah, we Yeah, we're going to a basketball game. It's the Clippers. The Clippers, they clipping. And, uh... Yeah, they playing against the uh... The, uh... Uh, the Twins.