Valerie: Will, this is my cousin, Karen.
Karen: Which one of these losers is my date?
Carlton: That would be me.
Will: Uh, this is my cousin, Carlton.
Karen: Where's the rest of him?
Carlton: I may be short, but you know what they say about short men and tall women, don't you?
Karen: No, what?
Carlton: I don't know, just making conversation.

Valerie: Well, this is a cool place you have here.
Will: Yeah. Uh, hey, you haven't seen the best part. Uh, wait until you see the hot tub.
Valerie: Will.
Will: Oh, no. Girl, you just dirty. No, it's strictly for therapeutic purposes. You know, see, because I got this crick in my neck right here that's been really killing me.
Carlton: Let me help you out with that, cuz. [grunts] We do this all the time.
Will: Carlton, get off me. Get off. Get off me!
Carlton: Ow!

Valerie: I cannot believe you and Will are related. You're so different.
Carlton: Like you and your cousin.
Valerie: Yeah, well, thanks for putting up with her. You know, most men find Karen kind of-
Carlton: Scary.
Valerie: Sort of. But you were a total gentleman, Carlton, and that's really hard to find these days. [kisses Carlton]
Carlton: What was that for?
Valerie: Well, that was for Karen. And this, this is for me. [kisses him again]

Carlton: Will, are you going to finally let me explain what happened?
Will: Ah, shh. Don't talk to me.
Carlton: Will, for once in your life, be reasonable. Can't we just discuss this like grownups?
Will: Yeah, call me when you grow.

Will: Huh. I guess lying just run all through this family, huh?
Carlton: I'm not lying, you nefarious, degenerate miscreant.
Will: Oh, like I'm supposed to believe that, you big dog.

Carlton: Will, hold you head back. It'll stop the bleeding.
Will: Thank you, Carlton. I think you've helped enough.
Carlton: Dad, I guess you're wondering what happened.
Philip: What's to wonder? I have a nephew with a possibly broken nose. And I don't wanna even know why your damn hands are stuck to your head. What I do know is that I want both of you to settle this thing or I will.

Will: Look, Carlton, um I was doing a lot of thinking while I was unconscious. We're cousins, man. We've been together long enough. I should know you would never do to me the kind of things that I would do to you.
Carlton: That's sweet, Will. I'm sorry for saying all those things and for punching your lights out.
Will: It was a lucky shot.
Carlton: I hit you pretty square, Will.
Will: Look, the important thing is that we get beyond that lucky punch. We're family, man. We shouldn't be fighting like this. We should be helping each other. Hey, put her there.
Carlton: Will.
Will: You're right, man. I'm sorry about the hair. Let me help you.
Carlton: [ripping sound] [screams]