Will: [recording] Now we are entering the kitchen. This is where we eat. [looks at Uncle Phil] Some of us more than others. And this is your mommy and she look like she eating for a couple of brothers herself.
Vivian: Will, what are you doing with that microphone?
Will: Uh, making a tape for the coming attraction. You know, I was going to knit some booties or something but you know, I had to get yarn and needles and I'd have had to learn how to knit. See, look, Uncle Phil, the concept is to aesthetically capture for posterity the sounds that are familiar to this house.
Philip: Will, I'm eating.
Will: You'll hear a lot of that.
Philip: You're grounded.
Will: Okay, that about sums up Uncle Phil.

Will: Hold it there, home fry. Say a little something to spud.
Carlton: Hey, little bro, piece of advice: Don't lend Will a penny even if he begs, and he will.
Will: That's your brother Carlton. You'll recognize him, he'll be the one at eye-level.

Will: Man, I can't wait to start my own family. Yo, I want to have a whole bunch of kids, like six and I'm going to have them one right after another.
Carlton: Will, we're talking about kids, not malt liquor.
Will: Carlton, why don't you shut up before we send you back to that White family that dropped you off on the doorstep?

Philip: Ashley, honey we're not going to forget you when the baby comes. You'll see, this will bring us all closer together.
Will: That's true, Ash. I mean, look at us now. Last time we sat around like this is when they reran Roots.

Vivian: Ashley, honey, your father and I have always been here and we will always make time for you.
Carlton: Hilary, why not? I mean, it will help your ratings.
Hilary: I don't want to hear about it anymore, okay?
Will: Now, here come your two eldest siblings, Dopey and Greedy.
Hilary: No, Carlton, I will not plug your stupid school play on my weather spot today, tomorrow, or ever.
Carlton: Well, for your information, Brigadoon is a classic musical comedy.
Will: No, man, for my money, classic musical comedy: Milli Vanilli.

Will: I don't know about y'all, I'm excited we having twins. I mean, now you can finally have the son you always wanted.
Carlton: Well, they already have me.
Will: Now, you can finally have the son you always wanted.

[fantasy:]
Ashley: Good morning, Geoffrey. Morning, everybody. [nobody responds] Geoffrey, my place isn't set, and where's my food? [Geoffrey doesn't respond]
Will: Oh, hey, let me feed my favorite little cousin.
Hilary: Oh, now, come on.
Carlton: Oh, I thought it was my turn.
Ashley: I thought I was your favorite cousin. What do I have to do, spit up on your shirt?
Will: Y'all hear something?
Ashley: Yeah, how about me screaming at the top of my lungs? [screams]
Will: I guess not. I be tripping, boy, tripping.

[fantasy:]
Ashley: Daddy.
Philip: There's my favorite little girl. [drapes his coat over Ashley and he goes to see the baby]
Ashley: Daddy, don't you remember me? It's me, Ashley.
Philip: Coochie, coochie, coo. She's so precious. You know, she reminds me of someone. That little girl who used to hang out around here. Pretty little thing. Black hair.
Hilary: Amanda.
Ashley: Ashley.
Geoffrey: Or was it Anna?
Ashley: No. Ashley.
Carlton: I'm pretty sure it was Appalonia.
Ashley: No, it was Ashley.
Will: Well, hold up, was it, um, Ashley?
Ashley: Yes.
All: No.

Ashley: Think about it, Hilary's special because she's the oldest. Carlton's the only boy. I was the baby, but who am I now?
Carlton: The whiner. Look, lighten up, Ashley. We all have our burdens to bear. I mean, when the new Banks arrives, Dad's going to have to update his will which means there'll be another slice of the pie I won't be getting. I mean, what about my needs? What about me? What about-
Vivian: Shut up, Carlton.
Carlton: Good call.

Hilary: Look, I'll have you guys know that I had a hand in raising you. I'll be a positive influence on the new baby. You just wait and see.
[fantasy:]
Philip: Hilary, baby, you're 30 years old. Don't you think it's about time you moved out on your own?
Hilary: That is so unfair. Mom's 50 years old and you haven't pushed her out the door.
Philip: Why do I even bother?
Hilary: Cindy. [A little girl brings Hilary a drink] Aren't you forgetting something, baby sister?
Cindy: You're prettier than I'll ever be.
Hilary: Something else. [Cindy puts an umbrella in Hilary's drinks] Good. Now, I'm feeling a little warm. [Cindy starts fanning Hilary] So, tell me about your day at school and move a little to the left.
Cindy: Well, Miss Randolph gave a pop quiz and I-
Hilary: Do you like my outfit?
Cindy: It's real pretty. Hilary, my arm is starting to hurt.
Hilary: Ooh, you poor baby. Use the other arm. Maybe you should start lifting weights.